Paper Crown - Stitch_Giant_Red_Battleship - Dork Diaries Series (2024)

Chapter 1: Why does God hate me?

Chapter Text

New year. Same mask.

MacKenzie stared up at the vast expanse of Upper Lake High School. It was about three times the size of Westchester Country Day.

Last year was a total disaster. This year will be different.

This year was going to be even more complicated, though. Last year MacKenzie had been queen of the CCPs. This year she was starting over as a freshman.

Sure, she was definitely still the most popular girl in her grade, but that was nothing compared to the senior girls who did cheerleading and student council and threw wild parties and made out with boys under the bleachers.

MacKenzie cringed. It was starting to dawn on her that keeping her secret was going to be even harder in high school than middle school.

She took a deep breath, steadied herself, and pushed open the door.

The high schoolers didn’t part for her the way the kids in middle school had. They did glance at her, though. They noticed her. A few other freshmen, mostly cheerleaders and CCPs, immediately followed her and started gossiping, so at least she wasn’t alone.

“—but guess what? Jason—”

MacKenzie tuned Taylor out while she searched for her locker. A horrible feeling crept up on her. She was almost sure that Nikki was going to have the locker next to hers again, and the whole year would repeat.

But no. A boy did have a locker to the left of hers, but she didn’t know him. He had his headphones on and left as soon as she arrived, eyeing her up and down warily. The locker on her right belonged to a nameless girl who was actually pretty cute, although clearly a senior, and she didn’t seem up for talking to freshmen. MacKenzie bit her lip and avoided the older girl’s gaze until she had left.

She looked around for Taylor, but she must have gotten lost in the crowd. Maybe to find her own locker.

MacKenzie froze when she locked eyes with someone else, though, at the end of the hall.

Nikki.

Their lockers weren’t next to each other, but they were in the same hallway. And next to Nikki…

Brandon stood there. Close. Too close to her. He whispered something in Nikki’s ear.

MacKenzie slammed her locker door shut.

Don’t start drama, just walk away, her brain said, but she had always had a bad habit of never listening.

She marched over to them.

“I can’t believe you’re wearing that to school,” she sneered at Nikki. “Where did you get that outfit? The dumpster?”

Nikki was wearing a cute ensemble, actually, with a pretty pink shirt and a skirt. She rolled her eyes.

“MacKenzie, we’re in high school now. Start acting like it. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“I did, up until you walked in here wearing that tragedy,” she snarked. “Someone has to save you from yourself.”

Nikki opened her mouth to retort, but Brandon gently took her hand.

“She’s not worth the effort,” he said softly.

MacKenzie raised an eyebrow. “You seem… like closer friends.”

“Actually, we’re dating now,” Nikki said nonchalantly. But her eyes seemed to be taunting MacKenzie. You lost, they said. “Brandon’s my boyfriend.”

MacKenzie swallowed. She felt like Cupid was spearing her through the chest with a rusty arrow over and over, just for kicks and giggles.

All the air had left her lungs.

“Whatever,” MacKenzie managed, trying not to let her eyes fill up with tears in front of them. “You two deserve each other.”

She strode off, not swiping at her eyes until they were out of sight.

“Did she look genuinely hurt to you?” Nikki asked.

Brandon frowned. “MacKenzie’s probably liked me for as long as you have. Maybe she was delusional enough to believe I could like her back.”

“Well, she needed the wake-up call,” Nikki replied.

She squeezed Brandon’s hand and smiled. He gave her that goofy grin back, the one she adored so much.

After the trip to Paris, Nikki left for a week in art camp. Brandon had unexpectedly joined her, where he confessed his feelings. They shared a second kiss – a real kiss.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked while she stood on that wooden bridge, the wind whistling in her ear, holding a rolled-up canvas.

Nikki almost blew it. Her jaw dropped, her heart pounded in her ears so loud he must have heard it. The butterflies in her stomach made her feel like she was free-falling down a hill on a rollercoaster. (She had affectionately nicknamed the swirly-butterfly feelings Roller Coaster Syndrome.)

Brandon’s ears turned pink and he started to say, “Never mind, forget—”

“I’d love to!” Nikki blurted.

And when he grinned and kissed her, the painting slipped out of her grasp and fell on the wooden boards.

Just make it through the day. Don’t do anything dumb like crying. Don’t think about… them.

Ugh. MacKenzie was standing alone in an empty hallway, fighting the urge to scream.

Yeah, okay, Nikki won. She just won eighth grade. She won the whole freaking year. Whoop-de-doo.

Why had it become such a contest? Why had she let it get so bad?

No, this was on MacKenzie. She was the one who was always provoking Nikki. Usually.

She wished she lived in a world where she could ask a girl out and it wouldn’t ruin her reputation. A world where she didn’t have to go to dances made specifically for girls to dance with guys, where a sign inadvertently announced she didn’t belong. A world where the odds weren’t stacked against her.

In that world, she really could be perfect.

MacKenzie was thirteen when she figured out she liked girls. In retrospect, it was actually quite obvious. But on that day, she’d locked herself in her room and wept into her pillow.

The next day, she put on her lip gloss, went to school, and acted like everything was normal. Like she was normal.

Nikki’s clothes had been cute, sure, but not stunning. She didn’t have the worst fashion sense, but definitely not the best.

MacKenzie wondered where Nikki’s hoodie was. She used to wear that old thing a lot in eighth grade. Not so much recently, though.

The bell rang. She was still standing in the hallway.

MacKenzie started walking again and found her classroom. She pushed open the door.

“I’m so sorry for being late, Miss Willow!” MacKenzie said, turning up the politeness. “I was helping out a student who accidentally dropped his stuff on the floor. It took a while to clean up.”

Miss Willow’s eyes crinkled up, her smile sympathetic. “That’s very kind of you, dear. Go on and have a seat. I won’t count you as tardy.”

MacKenzie smirked to herself and sat down in an empty seat.

MacKenzie had learned how to manipulate people so she could get what she wanted. She knew how to lie. She also knew how to tell the truth. All of her insults against Nikki’s fashion choices, over the past year, were oftentimes true. She knew how to take advantage of a situation.

To put it simply: MacKenzie was a lot smarter than people gave her credit for. She read in Nikki’s diary once that Nikki thought she had the IQ of a toothbrush. The funny thing was, if MacKenzie wasn’t queen of the CCPs, she’d probably be considered a nerd.

She shuddered. That was an appalling thought. She made straight As in all of her classes – except sometimes on pop quizzes, but her grades were usually high enough to carry her. She was bilingual – able to speak both French and English fluently, but that had more to do with the fact that her grandparents were originally from France. MacKenzie used to visit them often and had picked up the language as a little kid.

Everyone automatically assumed that the popular people – jocks, cheerleaders, and the CCPs – were incapable of intelligence. So to be outed as “smart” was basically social suicide.

Cliques were so ridiculous.

But they were beneficial. MacKenzie reveled being at the top. Practically everyone did whatever she wanted. She could do no wrong in the eyes of her teachers.

So MacKenzie kept her position of being queen by doing what everyone expected of her. Checking all the boxes.

Cute? Check. She was freakin’ beautiful.

Cool? Check. She was the richest kid in school and had the best designer clothes, bought at the mall (and some she’d created herself).

Popular? Triple-check. She was queen of the CCPs. At least, in eighth grade she was. And she still was popular now, but not as much as a senior was.

MacKenzie knew the secret to success. But she did find it frustrating to have to fit inside the boxes that she checked.

Why can’t girls think cars are cool?

Why can’t beautiful people be smart?

Why do I have to be obsessed with boys? Girls are prettier anyway.

“Don’t forget to read chapters 1 and 2 from your textbooks, and remember, we’re going to have a quiz next Monday!” Miss Willow announced in vain while students ignored her and spilled out of the classroom.

MacKenzie followed the crowd of kids and sashayed down the hall, stopping to talk to Taylor.

Jessica waved at her. MacKenzie waved back.

They didn’t really talk that much, ever since that time Jessica had usurped MacKenzie and abandoned her. Sure, they’d made up, but things had never been the same since. Jessica was no longer her best friend. They had been reduced to acquaintances waving in hallways.

MacKenzie arrived at Science class, thankfully on time, where she learned that they were already planning a semester-long project. Even worse, Nikki was in this class, and she sat at the table across from hers. High school sucked.

“This project will be presented at the science fair. You’re going to have to write a report and turn it in to me by November 30^th, which you both must contribute to, and attend the science fair to show off your project on December 14^th. Failure to do either of these will result in a failing grade and you will have to repeat the class next year. Any questions?”

The students began murmuring, deciding that now was the perfect time to start talking again. Their teacher, Mr. Thomas, went to the back of the room to pull up the slideshow on his computer, where he ran into every glitch imaginable.

Nikki murmured to Chloe, who was sitting next to her. A moment later, both girls looked at MacKenzie, then went back to whispering.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever you have to say, you can say it to my face.”

Nikki scowled in her direction, then pointedly turned back to Chloe. “You know, Chloe, Brandon’s taking me on an official date this weekend.”

MacKenzie’s face burned.

“Announce it to the whole class, why don’t you,” she muttered.

The girl sitting next to her swiveled her head back and forth with wide eyes, watching their exchange like a tennis match.

“You’re just jealous,” Nikki snapped. “This whole time, you’ve been jealous of our relationship. For all of eighth grade!”

“You weren’t even dating!”

“Our friendship relationship,” Nikki corrected, like it should be obvious. “Besides, we’re dating now.”

“I bet he’ll drop you in two weeks,” MacKenzie said, clenching her teeth and faking a smile. “I’m obviously much prettier.”

“You’re two-faced, MacKenzie. It’s too bad you can’t hide your ugly personality with makeup like you can hide your face.”

“Careful,” MacKenzie said. “You don’t want to get in trouble on the first day of school, do you? I could report you for bullying.”

“Me?” Nikki gaped. “Bullying you? Oh, that’s so—”

“Nikki Maxwell and MacKenzie Hollister,” Mr. Thomas interrupted. How long had he been standing in front of them? “Since you two seem very entertained by each other, you can be partners.”

They were forced to sit next to each other for the rest of the year. Not even just the semester, but the entire year. The girl who had been sitting next to MacKenzie was now sitting with Chloe.

Nikki miserably moved her stuff over to MacKenzie’s table, while she glowered at the dork the entire time.

Why does God hate me?

Chapter 2: Whatever, dork

Chapter Text

MacKenzie ignored Nikki for the rest of class. She took her own notes and gave Nikki the silent treatment.

She saw Nikki glance at her out of the corner of her eye. She looked up; Nikki looked down.

Great. All she needed now was for Brandon to sit behind them so the dork and him could pass notes, adding to the awkwardness.

Fortunately, he wasn’t actually in the same science class as them, so that wasn’t something she would have to deal with.

When class was over, Nikki rushed over to whisper to Chloe and Zoey about their riveting nonexistent interactions.

In the hallway, MacKenzie looked around for one of her friends. Taylor, maybe, or Tiffany.

Upper Lake was one of the best private high schools in the area, so most students ended up going here, even if they had gone to different middle schools. It was surprisingly easy to get into, compared to NHH.

Tiffany and her had already compared schedules, and they didn’t have any classes together. Only lunch.

“Hey.”

MacKenzie turned around to face Jason, who had been one of the most popular CCP guys back at Westchester. Once, she had convinced him and Ryan to lead on Chloe and Zoey, pretending to be interested in them. She couldn’t remember why anymore. It probably had something to do with Nikki. It always did.

“Hi,” she replied.

“So… Brandon and Nikki are together,” he stated.

MacKenzie narrowed her eyes. “Obviously.”

“And you’re available.”

So I guess not much has changed.

Boys used to drool all over her in middle school. Not even moving up to high school could make them move on. And now she couldn’t use Brandon as an excuse anymore.

Jason had once admitted to having a crush on MacKenzie in the sixth grade, but she had quickly turned him down. Something about the thought of going out with him just felt intrinsically wrong in a way she couldn’t articulate. He ended up dating her other friend, Allie. That was before Allie moved away.

Now here they were, playing the same old game again.

“Jason, I’m not—”

“Will you go out with me?” he interrupted, before she could finish rejecting him. “I was thinking the movies. We could go to that new one that’s playing tonight. I’ll pick you up at seven, okay?”

MacKenzie gaped at him, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. He was smiling confidently, as if to say, You wouldn’t say no to me. She stepped back from him and his co*cky grin.

Boys like him seemed to know no boundaries. They always assumed they could have any girl they wanted. Especially when it came to flirting with the pretty, popular girl. Who also happened to be single.

“Uh, no, not okay! I’m not going out with you. I don’t like you, Jason.”

His smile was quickly replaced by a scowl. A few teenagers had stopped to stare at the drama-fest.

He opened his mouth to say something she probably didn’t want to hear, when a voice cut through the quiet gossip in the corners of the hallway.

“Hey, MacKenzie! We were paired up for a project, and you can’t avoid it forever.” It was Nikki, walking up to her like they were friends or something. But in this moment, MacKenzie wasn’t complaining. Not at all.

Jason took a couple steps back and MacKenzie felt herself relaxing.

She stared at Nikki in surprise, before just going with it. “Yeah, I’ll see you tonight… at seven.” She cast a glance at Jason, whose eyes were flicking between her and Nikki. He seemed to regard Nikki as a minor inconvenience who had ruined his date plans.

Then his mouth stretched into a grin. “I’ll see you ladies later. Bye, Mac.”

Don’t call me that.

He walked away, hands in his pockets, nodding to a jock buddy.

“Guy trouble?” Nikki asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Guys not leaving me alone is the trouble,” MacKenzie muttered, glaring down the hallway where Jason had stalked off.

Nikki didn’t reply. When MacKenzie turned to face her, she was already staring at MacKenzie, with a look in her eyes that she couldn’t quite place.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Nikki said. “So, about the project?”

“You can’t be serious. We have, like, the entire year to do it.”

“Well, I was being serious,” Nikki sneered back. “The sooner we get the project over with, the less we have to see each other.”

MacKenzie sighed. “Fine. Did you want to go to my house or yours?”

“Yours,” Nikki insisted quickly.

“I’m assuming you already know where it is?”

“Why would I—”

“You toilet-papered my house last year, dork. You had to find it first.”

“Well, I know it’s near Zoey’s house. It’s not like I have it memorized or anything.” And there was the quick retort, the one that Nikki never failed to give. Back when she was in eighth grade, at the beginning of the year, she used to never respond to MacKenzie’s insults. Then she appeared to grow a spine over the year. MacKenzie would have been a bit proud of her, if she wasn’t still such a fashion-challenged dork.

She relented. “Here’s the address. And my number.” Once upon a time Nikki used to have her phone number, but she had gotten a new phone recently, and she wasn’t sure if Nikki had blocked the old one.

Nikki stared at her.

“What, did you expect me to communicate through handwritten notes passed in class?” MacKenzie snapped.

Nikki rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

MacKenzie sashayed off, smirking to herself. She didn’t bother to fire off an insult about Nikki’s horrid fashion sense this time.

Maybe this day wouldn’t be so bad.

MacKenzie was sitting on her bed when the doorbell rang. She instinctively shot to her feet, hoping her mom wouldn’t open the door and see the girl who had been “bullying” MacKenzie for the past year. She strode down the hall after descending the staircase, stopping only once to check her face in the mirror and smooth down her hair.

MacKenzie normally took off her makeup by this time, but she had conveniently “forgotten” since Nikki was coming over.

It wasn’t that she wanted to look good for her. It was just that she wanted to look better than her.

Totally.

MacKenzie opened the door.

Nikki stood outside uncertainly, glancing around as if she expected someone to see her and judge her for visiting MacKenzie, of all people. MacKenzie spied that ugly roach car driving off. Nikki’s dad must have dropped her off.

She looked pretty much the same as she had in school. Her hair was in a high ponytail, and her shirt was tucked into her skirt.

MacKenzie had half expected Nikki to show up wearing makeup and heels. Though of course that wasn’t her style. She always seemed much more comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt anyway. (Besides, what were you supposed to wear for a study date project meetup?)

She let her in without a word. Nikki peered around the grand entranceway, staring at the living room, with its giant TV and luxury couch. MacKenzie led her up the stairway to her room while Nikki gawked at everything around her.

MacKenzie sat down on her bed while Nikki stood awkwardly in the doorway, as if waiting for permission to enter her room. “So…? What are we doing for our project?”

Nikki hesitantly walked in. “I was hoping you’d have an idea.”

She sat down precariously on the edge of MacKenzie’s bed, dangerously close to falling off. MacKenzie wanted to laugh at how nervous Nikki was, just being in her room. At least she wasn’t the only one feeling weirded out by this.

“We could look up ideas online, I guess.”

Nikki pulled up a website browser while MacKenzie vetoed all of the ideas that had been done a million times before.

Making a rocket, vetoed. Making a volcano, vetoed. Making a light bulb with a potato, vetoed.

There were a few other suggestions, like studying photosynthesis or testing water for biodiversity. Boring.

There was one project idea that studied different types of lotions with different chemicals: which lotions could produce a more realistic sun tan – hold on. That wasn’t even work. MacKenzie had used all kinds of tanning products before.

“We should do that one,” she decided.

Nikki frowned. “Really? It’s not that interesting.”

“No kidding. But it’s easy. I know all about which kinds of fake sun tans work and which kind don’t. We could probably finish this whole project within a few weeks, tops. I’ll just do it for the both of us.”

“Mr. Thomas said we both needed to contribute. I have to write an essay too, you know, and I don’t know the first thing about what goes in products like these.”

“Clearly,” MacKenzie replied snidely. “But I can just tell you what to say. All you have to do is make it sound official.”

“Isn’t that cheating?” she asked, stiffening up.

“Not really, no. Even if it is, who cares? Besides, maybe you’ll actually learn something.”

Nikki slammed the laptop shut. “I care. You don’t have to be such a jerk. We have our topic. I’m leaving.” She stood up.

“Whatever, dork.”

“Don’t call me that, MacKenzie.” Nikki’s voice was sharp.

“Why not? I thought you wore it like a badge of honor. You even turned that dumb insult into a song.”

Nikki seemed stumped for the moment. One hand rested on the doorframe. One foot was out in the hall.

“I’ll see you around… dork,” MacKenzie smirked.

For just a moment, she thought Nikki’s lips tugged up in a smile. “See you later, diva.”

MacKenzie blinked in surprise. Nikki left the room. She almost followed her out into the hall. But instead, she shut the door in Nikki’s wake.

MacKenzie wiped off her makeup in the bathroom. Gone was the mask that she hid behind.

She absentmindedly twirled a tube of lip gloss between her fingers. It was her favorite flavor, Ravishing Red Cinnamon Twist. Maybe because her mom bought it for her when they went shopping together – a rare, once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. As an offhand gift, maybe just to appease her, but that part didn’t matter. MacKenzie hadn’t asked for that lip gloss. Her mom had given it to her, and smiled when she put it in her palm.

For that one day, MacKenzie wasn’t an afterthought.

She put on her pajamas and slid under the bed covers, leaving the door ajar for Fifi, her dog, who liked to sleep in her room at night.

I called her a dork. She called me a diva.

Is that good or bad?

MacKenzie put her airpods in and started up a song, closing her eyes.

Lately she fell asleep with music blasting in her ears, drowning out her thoughts. It was the only way to not overthink every interaction she'd ever had with Nikki Maxwell.

Chapter 3: Truce?

Chapter Text

If Nikki had hoped for that little interaction to magically change everything, just because MacKenzie had kind of been loss hostile than she could have been, she was dead wrong.

Really, she had to stop being so naïve.

The next day, MacKenzie sneered at her, insulted her fashion choices, and whispered about her behind her back. Like she always did. And when Nikki had the absolute audacity to clap back, MacKenzie looked a bit surprised. She just sighed, shoved her notebook in her locker, and sashayed away, her heels clicking against the tiles as she walked.

There were so many mixed signals, Nikki wanted to just yell at her to pick a side.

Although, MacKenzie had always been against Nikki. Maybe it was time she learned that MacKenzie was never going to change. The thought made her heart ache a little.

At least Brandon was around to distract her. Sometimes, looking into his big brown eyes was enough to make her forget MacKenzie’s icy blue ones. Sometimes.

Not today, though.

I’ll see you around… dork.

Brandon nudged her. “You alright?”

Nikki realized she was glaring at an empty hallway. “Yeah. Just MacKenzie being MacKenzie.”

He was silent for a moment. Then he looked at her with a hopeful smile. “Hey, wanna get ice cream after school?”

Nikki smiled back. “I’d like that.”

MacKenzie was mad. At Nikki, obviously. At herself, too.

Old habits just couldn’t be broken.

It wasn’t like they’d left on good terms, back at MacKenzie’s house. Just, they weren’t absolutely terrible terms either. It wasn’t what MacKenzie was used to. She was used to fighting with Nikki until one of them left in a near fit of rage. Not watching Nikki go quietly, with a tiny smile on her face that, for once, didn’t feel antagonistic.

So of course, she lashed out again at Nikki today, just like every other day. Breaking whatever unspoken tension there was yesterday.

She really needed someone to talk to.

MacKenzie spied the only other person who knew her secret. She speed-walked over to her.

“Tiffany—”

“MacKenzie, I swear, if you came over here just to talk to me about your stupid girl crush….”

MacKenzie bit down on her lip before finishing her sentence.

Tiffany rolled her eyes. “Of course. Because that’s the whole point of our friendship, right? So you can dump all your problems on me. Like, just get over her! It’s been a year. And stop complaining to me every single time she so much as looks at you.”

MacKenzie’s mouth went dry. She hadn’t really considered the possibility that she was just using Tiffany. Of course that wasn’t the whole point of their friendship! Although… she did talk about Nikki a lot. Even Jessica had whined about MacKenzie being so obsessed with Nikki, back when she and Jessica were friends. That argument had happened back in, like, November.

A lot’s changed since then.

Tuesday, September 2^nd

MacKenzie and I were arguing today, like usual. Except it’s not really like usual, because yesterday I went to her house to work on a project (it’s a whole long thing, I’m going to have to have a separate entry just to catch you up on all that’s happened), and things weren’t… absolutely horrible? We fought, totally. Like always. I did end up just leaving because she was being such a jerk. But right at the end, she called me a dork. And when I snapped at her not to call me that, she said:

“Why not? I thought you wore it like a badge of honor. You even turned that insult into a SONG.”

I can’t even be mad about it, because she’s kind of right. Not COMPLETELY right, because it’s not okay to bully people and call them names.

Although, that makes me a total hypocrite, because I called her a diva. That was the last thing I said to her, and then I left.

But she didn’t seem mad, and I didn’t sound mean.

I was hoping that today we could act like rational and mature teenagers, but MacKenzie went back to the usual. Calling my outfit an “atrocity”, picking apart all the flaws in my makeup (like she doesn’t just paint her face every day), and making fun of the new shoes I got in the mall, because they were already out of style.

And then her mood totally FLIPPED! I shot back a reply, because I wasn’t going to just stand there and take it.

Then MacKenzie looked at me and straight-up SIGHED, like she didn’t have the time or patience to deal with my drama! Like, WHO does THAT?

Okay, I may have done that around her a bunch of times, but it’s because MacKenzie’s ALWAYS the one starting drama. NOT me!

And instead of retorting with another insult, she just left.

What is UP with her lately?

Nikki stood waiting on the porch.

At MacKenzie’s house once again.

It wasn’t like she could just stop visiting her to work on their project. Unless she was willing to fail the class. Nikki took a serious moment to consider that. Then she sighed, braced herself, and rang the doorbell.

MacKenzie and Nikki danced around the subject, discussing their project with clipped tones. Nikki was apparently still frustrated with the topic in the first place. To MacKenzie, it was an easy A. Even if Nikki failed her essay portion, that wouldn’t affect MacKenzie’s grade.

She had even been generous enough to let Nikki cheat off of her. What more could a girl want?

Fairness. Nikki wanted fairness.

“Well, that sucks. Life isn’t fair.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to make it worse for me!”

MacKenzie rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. You make it worse for yourself.”

Were they still talking about the project?

“How? You’re the one who’s there every day to bully me. You’re the one who started this rivalry in the first place!”

No, they weren’t.

“And the whole time, you were just jealous because you and I both liked Brandon. Well, he’s my boyfriend now, so you need to get over it,” Nikki added.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” MacKenzie said through gritted teeth.

“You’re always invading my privacy and butting into my life!”

“Me?” MacKenzie gaped. “Give me one example.”

Admittedly, she should not have said that. Nikki had many more examples than one.

“You convinced Victoria Steel to hire you on my band tour – and then you didn’t even do any work!”

“How would you even know that?”

“I saw your schedule.”

“Do you mean the closed schedule on my bed? So you looked through my schedule on the band tour?” MacKenzie scowled. “And you get mad at me for invading your privacy? Why can’t you ever just stay out of my way?”

“When have I ever gotten in your way?” Nikki asked, incredulous.

This time, MacKenzie had more examples than one. And she lashed out at Nikki for them all.

She closed her laptop, shutting down the blank Google doc she was supposed to be writing on. “How about when you cheated on the art competition to win? Or when you signed up for the Halloween dance committee even though you knew I was a part of it? When you skated for Fuzzy Friends when you knew I was going to? When you toilet-papered my house on New Year’s? When you entered the talent show, lost to my dance number, and got to go on a tour with the Bad Boyz anyway? When you ruined the Valentine’s dance for me? When you put a freaking bug in my hair? When you vandalized my locker at NHH just to get back at me? When you wouldn’t shut up at school, so now we’re stuck being partners for the semester?”

“What about everything you’ve done?” Nikki snapped back. “You wrote Bug Girl on my locker first. You’ve made every day of my life a nightmare since September. Of last year. You made me look like an idiot at the Halloween dance. You locked me and Chloe and Zoey in a storage closet at the ice skating show right before we were supposed to go on! You tried so hard to ruin everything for me – the Halloween dance, the talent show, the skating competition, my Miss Know-It-All column, the Valentine’s dance. You hit me in the face with a dodgeball, you stole my diary, you pretended to be me at NHH, you tried to ruin my friendships with Brandon and Andre, you blackmailed me on the Bad Boyz band tour, you weaseled your way into the Paris trip. You tried to ruin my birthday!”

“You did ruin mine!” MacKenzie screamed back.

Nikki’s face turned red. “I didn’t.”

“You messed with the chocolate fountain! It sprayed all over my dress! During a photoshoot!”

“I’m telling the truth! It wasn’t my fault, okay? It was Jessica’s. She made me spill my food into the chocolate fountain. But I bet you already knew about that. I bet it was your idea,” Nikki retaliated. “And anyway, speaking of all the things I didn’t do: I didn’t cheat on the art competition. I didn’t put a bug in your hair, I tried to help you get it out! I didn’t write Bug Girl on your locker; Tiffany did! And she blamed it on me.”

Silence filled the room. MacKenzie couldn’t refute that, because right now her face felt numb and her voice wasn’t working. It wasn’t true, right? It couldn’t be true. Jessica wouldn’t have ruined her birthday party, because they were still close friends back then. And Tiffany was supposed to be the one person she could count on.

But if it was true… then Jessica ruined her birthday party and blamed it on Nikki. She hadn’t even been planning on trying anything with Nikki that day – it was her birthday, after all, and she wasn’t going to spend her time worrying about some dork who happened to be there. Because MacKenzie happened to invite her. Because she wanted Nikki there, only to have Nikki humiliate her.

Except now MacKenzie was learning that it wasn’t Nikki’s fault. It was Jessica’s.

She wondered if Jessica had ever cared about her in the first place.

Did I ever have friends? Or were people just using me like always?

Like I was using them.

Being popular was all she really had, because the minute she wasn’t, everyone abandoned her. Even people she once considered friends.

Tiffany hadn’t deserted her. Yet. But could she really be called a friend? MacKenzie knew that Tiffany would drop her in a heartbeat if she deemed it in her best interests. That the only reason she hadn’t outed MacKenzie to the world was because she also knew the crushing weight of being what everybody expected you to be, so having someone you could trust with just yourself was almost impossible to come by. Tiffany needed MacKenzie as much as she needed Tiffany.

But apparently Tiffany had been the one to vandalize her locker in the first place.

MacKenzie couldn’t believe she had trusted her.

She couldn’t believe she had trusted anyone.

She was sick of it. Of being used and then discarded. She had been for a long time.

“…Hey. Are you okay?” Nikki asked in a tone that was far gentler than MacKenzie had ever heard from her before.

She realized she hadn’t spoken in at least a minute, or three or five, too caught up by her thoughts. She blinked away tears that pricked at the corner of her eyes, dangerously close to falling.

“I’m fine,” she snapped at Nikki, but her voice was hollow. It cracked. “And it wasn’t my idea to have Jessica harass you at my birthday.”

They sat in silence for another moment, Nikki glancing at her worriedly and then looking away when MacKenzie glared at her.

“I did leave you a present, though,” Nikki stated.

MacKenzie looked up. “Really? Which one?”

She shrugged. “It was just a makeup kit. A few tubes of lip gloss.”

She did remember getting a makeup kit at that party. She assumed it was from one of her friends.

MacKenzie couldn’t stop a tiny smile from forming.

“What would happen if we just stopped fighting?” Nikki asked.

MacKenzie almost snarked back a sarcastic reply, but she stopped when she saw that Nikki was serious. “Honestly? I don’t know. You’re you, and I’m… me. We’ve always had this feud.”

“Truce?” Nikki offered. “At least for right now. Since we have to see each other every day after school, too. And then when the project is over, we can go back to hating each other, if… if that’s what you want.”

MacKenzie didn’t know what she wanted anymore. But she was starting to wonder if maybe Nikki wasn’t out to get her in the way she always believed.

“I think I’m done with our rivalry. I’ll take the truce.”

Chapter 4: My life is practically perfect

Chapter Text

Since their truce, MacKenzie and Nikki mostly ignored each other. Passing in hallways, they’d meet the other’s gaze and then look away. They kept to themselves.

So when Nikki ran into the bathroom to fix her mascara, which was running down her cheeks along with tears, she never expected that the one person to follow her would be MacKenzie.

Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

Either way, MacKenzie opened the door to the girls’ bathroom. When she saw Nikki, her face didn’t change.

She didn’t duck into a stall, though. And she didn’t leave.

Nikki half-expected MacKenzie to laugh at her like she used to. Instead, MacKenzie set her bag on the counter, pulled out a makeup-remover wipe, and wordlessly handed it to Nikki.

She took it. “Um, thanks.”

“Are you… going to be okay?” MacKenzie asked hesitantly. It was obvious that she had no clue what to say to her former rival.

Nikki blinked. “Um, yeah. I’m fi—I’ll be fine.”

MacKenzie opened her mouth, then closed it and bit her lip. She hesitated for a moment, then picked up her bag and left. Nikki watched her go, no longer sashaying. A small part of her almost missed it when MacKenzie did that.

Oh well. She could pass by her in the halls and watch her sashay then.

Nikki’s day had not been going well. Not until MacKenzie, of all people, showed up and delivered that random act of kindness. (Nikki decided not to dwell on it. MacKenzie probably had a million makeup remover wipes on hand at any moment, given how much she wore on a daily basis. It probably was just an afterthought to her; the barest inconvenience.)

She hadn’t been looking where she was going and accidentally bumped into Tiffany, who sneered at her. (Why did both CCP queens have to go to her high school?)

“Ugh, it’s you,” Tiffany scowled. “Why did you have to go to my high school? You could’ve gone anywhere but here! Now MacKenzie’s mad at me and it’s all your fault. You’re such a walking catastrophe, Nikki. You ruin everything!”

She took a step back, reeling from those harsh words. Maybe there was something more going on and Tiffany was just using her as a verbal punching bag.

That didn’t stop Nikki’s lip from wobbling. She didn’t even reply before speed-walking to the bathroom and bursting into tears.

With the school day over, she was back at MacKenzie’s house. Nikki hoped they could actually get work done this time. She rang the doorbell.

“Coming!”

After a moment, the door opened.

Nikki was taken aback.

There stood MacKenzie, but without a touch of makeup on. She always thought that MacKenzie’s beauty was only due to the second face she put on, even writing it multiple times in her diary. Even saying it to MacKenzie's face. Now Nikki realized that she was wrong.

Even without the mascara, MacKenzie’s eyes were still strikingly blue. Her blonde hair hung down her back, but it was about a foot shorter without the extensions. Her complexion was paler without the spray-on tan, and a dozen light freckles that had been hidden under the tan were now visible. Without her high heels, they were now the same height.

Her lips were still glossed red, though.

Nikki wasn’t staring. Certainly not at MacKenzie’s lips, at the pop of color on her mouth. Just… admiring the way MacKenzie looked without her makeup on, that’s all.

MacKenzie raised her eyebrows at Nikki’s speechlessness. “So… come in, I guess.”

Nikki blushed, realizing she had been standing in the entranceway while MacKenzie held the door open. She mumbled an excuse and brushed past the blonde, who huffed in annoyance and shut the door behind her.

So much for that truce.

Clearly Nikki wasn’t all that thrilled to even exist near MacKenzie, let alone work with her on a dumb school project. MacKenzie didn't know why she bothered. Or why she helped Nikki that day when she could have just ignored her. She trudged up to her room in irritation. Nikki still didn’t speak, instead sitting cross-legged on MacKenzie’s bed and bringing out her school laptop to write with.

MacKenzie settled down next to Nikki and dictated to her on what to write. Surprisingly, Nikki wasn’t fighting her at every sentence. In fact, it had been a long time since their last argument.

There was a lull in the conversation. The outline of the paper was written; next they’d have to conduct actual experiments, but the lotions MacKenzie had ordered would take at least three days to arrive. And she had paid for premium shipping.

They could keep meeting up and talk about nothing, or Nikki could just leave.

Nikki didn’t go.

MacKenzie twirled the tube of lip gloss between her fingers, but didn’t slather on a second coat. Yet.

Nikki was starting to realize that MacKenzie applying and reapplying lip gloss was kind of a nervous habit. She used to think of her as conceited (well, that opinion hadn’t changed in the slightest, actually), but MacKenzie put on her lip gloss the same way someone would bite their nails, or fidget, or squee under their breath when anything exciting happened.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Nikki asked, breaking the silence. It was a question that had been nagging her mind ever since MacKenzie opened that door.

She shrugged. “Sure.”

“Why do you always wear so much makeup when you’re already beautiful?”

MacKenzie blinked, looking up. Her cheeks flushed red. “Oh—I—um… you think I’m beautiful?”

It was Nikki’s turn to blush. “I mean, when you’re putting on all that makeup, it feels like you’re trying to fix something that isn’t broken.”

MacKenzie’s lips parted. Her narrowed blue eyes seemed to be trying to find the insult in the compliment, coming up empty. Nikki didn’t know why she said that. She should have just kept her mouth shut.

But no, she had to keep talking. She had to go and drudge up the past, despite their truce and the way they danced around the subject of their rivalry at every turn. It was a delicate subject, one that Nikki took a baseball bat to and shattered. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Hide behind makeup. Bully me and my friends. You always wanted to be right. To be better than everyone else. Especially me.”

MacKenzie, to her credit, didn't snap back. She appeared to be mulling over her words, carefully weighing each one before she spoke, as if one misstep would instantaneously break their newfound truce.

“Yeah, it’s….” She bit her lip and sighed. “Last year was kind of a lot. There was a bunch of… stuff… going on, and I kind of took it all out on you.”

“Stuff?” Nikki asked inquisitively.

MacKenzie peered at her out of the corner of her eye. “None of your business.”

“Right. Sorry.” She hastily looked away, glancing around the room, looking anywhere but into MacKenzie’s eyes.

“It’s kind of a secret,” MacKenzie admitted, drawing Nikki’s attention back in. “Well, no, not ‘kind of.’ It is. And I can’t tell anyone, or else…”

“Or else what?” Nikki breathed.

“They’ll all hate me. Especially you.”

She slid off the bed, standing up. “I don’t think I could hate you any more than I did this year.”

“Trust me,” MacKenzie muttered, “you could.”

“Was it that bad? What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything, I just….” She stood up too, facing Nikki with those icy eyes. “You think I wanted to be better than everyone else? Yeah, you’re right about that. But I know that if the school or my friends or my parents or literally anyonefound out, then in their eyes, I’d be worse than everyone else.”

Nikki was quiet for a moment. “Do you really think everyone would hate you if they discovered whatever secret you’re keeping?”

“Yes,” MacKenzie said without a trace of hesitation.

“That’s sad.”

She looked up sharply. “Don’t pity me, Nikki. I’m fine. I’m great. My life is practically perfect.”

Nikki didn’t miss that MacKenzie’s teeth gritted when she spoke, as if she was forcing the words out of her mouth.

“Fine,” she said. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Like what?”

“Anything,” Nikki shrugged. “What do you want to do when you grow up?”

“Really? That’s so random,” MacKenzie laughed. Nikki couldn't tell if she was being mean or not.

“Yeah, but why not? I just realized that for all that time we spent fighting, I don’t really even know you.”

“I’m going to be a fashion designer, I guess,” MacKenzie said, slowly easing up. “I’m going to start my own fashion line.”

“That’s cool,” Nikki replied, and the way MacKenzie looked at her, with a surprised and tentative smile, made her believe that that was the right thing to say.

“Do you know what my jeans are going to have?”

“Sequins?” Nikki guessed.

“Pockets.”

She laughed then. “Oh, then I will definitely buy your clothes.”

“Hey,” MacKenzie said softly, cutting through their lighthearted conversation.

The change in her tone was enough to quiet Nikki.

She swallowed, staring down at the floor, letting blonde lashes drape in front of her eyes. When she spoke, they were the last words Nikki expected to hear. “I’m sorry.”

Nikki blinked. “You’re… sorry?”

“Yeah,” MacKenzie mumbled, still looking away. “For… for everything. For bullying you and antagonizing you and blackmailing you. For all of the stuff I did. For every day of the past year. I know I said earlier that there was a lot of stuff I've been dealing with, but it’s not—I shouldn’t have used that as an excuse to hurt you.”

Nikki opened her mouth, then closed it, unsure of what to say. She didn’t even know whether she wanted to forgive MacKenzie.

“Thanks,” she finally said, giving the other girl a gentle smile. "That means a lot."

Maybe not forgive, not yet.

But she was willing to forget.

Chapter 5: We balance each other out

Chapter Text

MacKenzie couldn’t believe that she had actually apologized to Nikki. Or that it had taken so long to finally do so.

She didn’t even know what she was worried about. Nikki hadn’t explicitly forgiven her; but she had smiled and said thanks, and that was a hopeful start.

The doorbell rang. For half a minute MacKenzie believed it was Nikki before she opened the door and found that the package she ordered a few days ago had finally arrived.

She tried not to be too disappointed.

On the one hand, it meant that there was no excuse to keep avoiding that school project.

…On the other hand, it meant that there was no excuse to keep avoiding that school project.

Nikki didn’t have to go to MacKenzie’s house today, but she wanted to. They’d been on pretty good terms since the day MacKenzie apologized. It was a Saturday, so it should have been a day off, but the lotions for their science project had arrived. MacKenzie called Nikki to tell her that, probably not expecting her to offer to come over.

“Don’t tell me you’re finally gonna try a spray-on tan!”

“I kind of have to, for school,” Nikki said, balancing the phone on her shoulder while she stuffed items in her purse and precariously put on her sandals, nearly falling over twice.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” her mom asked, standing in the doorway.

“To MacKenzie’s house. For a project.”

Her mom’s eyes widened. “That girl has you doing schoolwork on a Saturday? I should send a thank-you gift basket!”

“Do not do that,” Nikki quickly rejected, knowing that her mother would somehow manage to make the most embarrassing gift basket known to mankind. One time she’d made one for Brandon’s family and had been so tired and overworked that week that she’d put toilet paper instead of tissues in it. Nikki still had no idea how that had happened and she was not willing to risk it again.

“…I wouldn’t mind a gift basket,” MacKenzie said sweetly. Of course Nikki had forgotten to hang up. She pictured the blonde holding back laughter while she listened to Nikki’s family drama.

“Trust me, you won’t want it,” she replied once her mom was out of earshot. “I’ll be over in a few minutes.”

She hung up and checked her outfit in the mirror. Normally she didn’t even fret about what to wear during school days, so it was pretty unusual to find herself stressing about how okay she looked on a Saturday. Maybe part of her just wanted to out-dress MacKenzie. A hint of their old rivalry seeping through? (Although, out-dressing MacKenzie was virtually impossible; Nikki had once ranted in her diary that MacKenzie was so good at fashion that she could make a trash bag look good, only because it was her that wore it. She still wholeheartedly believed that.)

This truce was way less stressful than the rivalry, though. And not as awkward as it had been at first. It was surprisingly easy to get along with MacKenzie when they weren’t constantly at each other’s throats. Who’d have thought?

When Nikki finally showed up at MacKenzie’s house (grateful that she didn’t already have any plans with her friends to cancel), she was surprised to find that this time MacKenzie wore no makeup at all. There wasn’t even one layer of lip gloss on her lips.

She was still dressed fashionably, of course. Her designer clothes fit her snugly, and even her casual shirt and shorts were much more glamorous than the blouse Nikki had meticulously picked out in an attempt to look prettier than MacKenzie.

Stupid. No one could look prettier than MacKenzie.

Nikki made a mental note of MacKenzie’s clothes so she would remember to draw her in her diary later.

MacKenzie watched with a smug grin, resting her head on her arms folded on the bedspread, her legs splayed out behind her, while Nikki stood in the center of her bedroom and slathered on the DIY tanning lotion.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just, you used to make fun of me for my tan. You have no idea how entertaining this is for me.”

Nikki rolled her eyes. “It’s for school, okay?”

“Suuure.”

“MacKenzie! You’re supposed to be taking notes anyway!”

“Oh, I’ve already used this brand before. I had that data entered in a week ago. I just wanted to see if you would actually go through with this.”

Nikki gaped at her, at that stupid arrogant grin. “You can’t just—so this means I didn’t have to—this whole thing was your idea in the first place!”

“I know. I have a lot of good ideas, don’t I?”

Nikki groaned in frustration and tried to ignore her. She searched her mind for something to say to take the focus off of her. A question did pop into her brain.

“Hey, where are your parents? It’s Saturday.”

MacKenzie shrugged. “Dad’s on a work trip. He won’t be back until next week. Mom is somewhere in town, but she didn’t say where she was going. Amanda’s playing in her room.”

After a beat of silence, MacKenzie spoke, though her voice sounded almost hesitant. “Nikki?”

“Yeah?”

“How come we never go over to your house?”

Nikki looked up from admiring her new tan to meet MacKenzie’s eyes. “I think you know full well why. You read my diary, remember? My parents will make it their personal mission to humiliate me. Brianna will do something stupid and mortifying. Things like that always happen to me.”

MacKenzie was quiet for a moment. “I did read your diary. They don’t seem that bad. You know, you own your dorkiness. Why don’t you own your family’s?”

She didn’t know how to respond. It was something so simple, and yet so complicated.

“They’re embarrassing,” she finally said. Which really was the only answer she could give, made worse because it was the truth. "Like, really embarrassing."

MacKenzie raised an eyebrow; she almost said something, but bit her tongue at the last moment.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Fine, then. What about you?”

“What about me? My family isn’t dorky.”

“Well, I don’t know enough about your family to judge whether that’s true or not,” Nikki said, “but I wasn’t talking about them. I was talking about you. You never own your dorkiness.”

MacKenzie smirked. “And destroy my reputation? Never.”

“You can’t tell me you’ve never been dorky in your life. Or done something stupid just because you wanted to live a little.”

MacKenzie squeezed her eyes shut. “Okay, maybe I want to sometimes. I hate all this pressure. I mean, I’m used to it, but still….”

Nikki raised her eyebrows. “What pressure? The pressure your parents put on you? Or the pressure you put on yourself?”

“Don’t psychoanalyze me,” MacKenzie said, tossing a pillow at Nikki that she subsequently dodged. “That’s my therapist’s job.”

Nikki snickered.

“It’s not just me. Or my parents. It’s everyone. Everybody expects me to be perfect all of the time, but I’m not,” MacKenzie griped, and she knew she was rambling, but she didn’t know how to stop. “I’m not that perfect princess everyone makes me out to be, that flawless CCP queen. I can’t please everyone, and I—”

Her voice cracked, if only for a moment. “I’m suffocating, Nikki.”

“You don’t have to suffocate, you know.” Nikki spoke gently. “You don’t have to be perfect.”

MacKenzie sniffed. “Easy for you to say. People like you regardless of your flaws. Not me. Popularity is all I have. All I am is a pretty face.”

Nikki was taken aback, because when was the last time she’d heard MacKenzie say something like that? She didn’t know. Maybe never. She was used to the co*cky, confident girl that sashayed in the hallways and tossed her hair at boys, not the self-deprecating one that sat before her.

“That’s not true. Don’t you have your own fashion line? And you’re smart. You do way better at school than me. Besides, every girl at our school wants to be you.”

MacKenzie scoffed. “Do you?”

“Okay, not every girl. But a lot of girls do. You’re pretty much the idol for teen girls everywhere.”

“Yeah, well. Every girl wants to be a lie, then.”

“Nobody’s perfect, MacKenzie. Not even you,” Nikki said softly. When MacKenzie looked at her with those sad eyes, she knew that both of them remembered the first time she’d said that; on a date with Brandon at the Cupcakery. A date MacKenzie had ruined. Then it had been an insult. Now she hoped it would be a comfort.

“I could be perfect, though, if I wasn’t—” MacKenzie backtracked, changed her sentence. “If I didn’t have that stupid secret.”

“What’s so bad about the secret, anyway?”

Her shoulders slumped. “It would ruin my life if it got out.”

“Whoa, seriously?” Nikki gaped at her. “And you didn’t, like, kill anyone?”

MacKenzie whipped her head around. “No! Of course not! Jeez, Nikki!”

“Sorry!”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Well, ouch.”

“Think of it as an endearing compliment.”

“I’ll think of it as an insult, thank you very much,” Nikki clapped back.

She couldn’t stay mad when MacKenzie started laughing, though, and she did believe her; even if that was a snide remark, it wasn’t intended to be a cruel jab.

“How about this: You’re such a dork.”

Nikki grinned at her. “Yeah, okay. But you’re kind of a drama queen, too. I mean, this secret, it can’t seriously be that bad.”

MacKenzie’s eyes lost their sparkle. Her smile turned into something more like a grimace. “Whatever, Nikki.”

Nikki blinked. She hadn’t meant to hurt MacKenzie’s feelings.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, sitting down at the foot of MacKenzie’s bed so she didn’t have to face her. “You’re right, I am a dork. But I’m right too – you’re a drama queen. We balance each other out.”

MacKenzie laughed then, and swung her legs over the end of the bed, sliding down next to Nikki. Her blonde hair spilled down her shoulders. Her knee brushed Nikki’s; they were sitting so close.

She had never seen that smile before. It was so genuine. Not an ounce of cruelty.

Sitting there next to her former rival, Nikki almost didn’t recognize her.

Then MacKenzie opened her eyes and looked at Nikki, and she recognized her all too well. Those blue eyes had, at one time, haunted her nightmares. No longer.

Gone were the schemes playing out behind those eyes. Gone was the makeup, the second face she used to hide behind. Gone were those long hair extensions. All the things that MacKenzie insisted she needed to make others think she was beautiful, oblivious to the fact that she already was.

Nikki almost reached out with a finger to brush one of MacKenzie’s blonde locks, just to see the difference between her real hair and an extension. Almost. But she didn’t, suddenly realizing that they were sitting way too close and that would be way too intimate.

MacKenzie held her breath and said nothing. She seemed temporarily frozen, just waiting for something to happen. How long had they been sitting like this?

Her icy blue eyes were trained on Nikki’s.

The door slammed open. “HI GUYS! WHATCHA DOING?”

MacKenzie jumped up and away from Nikki, almost guiltily. Out of the corner of her eye, Nikki saw that MacKenzie’s face was red. She felt her own cheeks heating up as well.

“Amanda! You’re supposed to knock before you come in my room!”

Amanda giggled and sat down next to Nikki, staring up at her. She was like a miniature MacKenzie. Blonde hair, blue eyes, mischievous smile. The I-know-I’m-cute-so-I-can-get-away-with-stuff look.

No freckles on her face, though. Nikki found herself looking up at MacKenzie, staring at the light freckles arranged on her cheeks like stars. The ones so easily hidden by that tan. The lotion bottle felt heavy in Nikki’s hand for some reason.

MacKenzie only gave her an exhausted look.

“So, brat, what are you doing here?”

“Want to play Mario Kart?”

Nikki expected MacKenzie to kick Amanda out of her room, but instead she sighed. “What the heck. We could use a break.”

Felt kinda like we had a break a minute ago when we were just sitting there staring at each other.

She didn’t say this out loud.

Downstairs, Nikki joined them in the game. She didn’t know whether MacKenzie was intentionally targeting her, but she did see the smirk on the blonde’s face when she hit Nikki with a blue turtle shell and sped past her through the finish line.

“Aw, come on!” Nikki complained.

“I’m never going to win, am I?” Amanda groaned in despair.

“That’s for coming in without knocking,” MacKenzie jested.

Amanda rolled her eyes but demanded they play another round. The two older girls obliged.

An hour passed before Nikki realized that she should be heading home soon. The school project had long since been forgotten, the tube of tanning lotion lying on MacKenzie's bedroom floor.

“I should probably get going,” Nikki said, after she finally won a round. She was half convinced MacKenzie let her win – although that was definitely unlike MacKenzie. No, it was more likely that Nikki lucked out.

“Aww,” Amanda grumbled.

“You know she’ll probably be back over sometime, right? I mean, we do have a whole project to work on.”

Amanda brightened up again. “Oh, yeah! You can play with me then!”

“After work.”

She pouted. MacKenzie steered Nikki toward the door before Amanda could trick her into a promise she couldn’t keep.

Nikki hadn’t forgotten the earlier fuss, though. Secrets permeating.

She lowered her voice so the littlest Hollister wouldn’t hear. “Mac, you know you can talk to me.”

MacKenzie didn’t meet her eyes. “I know.”

Nikki huffed quietly, knowing that MacKenzie wasn’t going to tell her what was wrong. Maybe not for a long time.

MacKenzie looked at her inquisitively, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You called me Mac.”

Nikki involuntarily blushed. “Oh. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry—”

She waved it off. “It’s fine. I don’t mind. You can call me that if you want to.”

She swallowed. “Well, bye… Mac. See you on Monday?” Why did her voice sound so hopeful? Why did she feel so nervous? Why couldn’t they look at each other?

They were still dancing around a topic, but it was no longer the one of their old rivalry. What had happened up in MacKenzie’s bedroom?

“Yeah. Bye, Nikki,” MacKenzie said, that same genuine smile still tugging at her lips.

Nikki really liked her real smile.

Saturday, September 6^th

Things got kind of weird between MacKenzie and me today.

Not like crazy weird, or even our usual drama weird, just… confusing weird. I don’t know how to describe it.

Then Amanda interrupted and we played video games, but after that MacKenzie was kinda tense around me. I was tense around her too.

I don’t want things to go back to the way they used to be. We were JUST becoming friends! And I know we’ve been “friends” before, but that one time at the North Hampton prep school, we were just working together mostly because we had to.

This time it’s only a project, and MacKenzie could still try to get out of it, but she’s not. It feels like a new beginning.

But not if we can barely TALK to each other. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or her.

She told me, last time we met up, that she has a secret. And that probably should alert me that she’s about to betray me any second now, but the thing is, she said NOBODY else knows. And she can’t tell me either. She WON’T tell me.

I think having a secret and not being able to tell anyone – not my parents, not Brandon, not even my best friends – would be kind of sad. I wish I could help her, but she doesn’t trust me enough to tell me.

I don’t really blame her, because we were enemies for months, and then frenemies, and now…

I don’t know what we are. Friends? Sort of?

I don’t know.

She let me call her Mac.

I have to go. Mom’s calling me and Brianna’s throwing a tantrum right outside my bedroom door because I won’t let her play that Princess Sugar Plum game on my phone. I’ll write later if I get the chance. If I ever figure out what’s going on with us.

Chapter 6: It's complicated

Chapter Text

Being friends was so much better than being enemies.

MacKenzie and her no longer used the project as an excuse to hang out; not to each other, at least, though Nikki often said it was school-related every time she asked her mom to drive her to MacKenzie’s house. Which was nearly every day.

MacKenzie and Nikki had an unspoken agreement to pretend that whatever strange moment had happened between them, had not happened at all. Nikki was worried she’d be awkward, or MacKenzie would, but no. They acted like everything was normal. Mostly. There were some days when Nikki’s fingers would brush MacKenzie’s and MacKenzie would pull away, keeping up a cheerful façade but skirting around the other girl for the rest of the evening.

Mostly normal.

“It’s nice to see you so dedicated to your schoolwork. Even when it means going to that Hollister girl’s house!” her mom exclaimed. Nikki had told her about some of MacKenzie’s cruelty during the months of the past year - snippets here and there. She never mentioned any of the crazier shenanigans that went on, but her mom knew enough to know that when Nikki came home with a sour mood and only said “MacKenzie” when she was asked what was wrong, it was better not to push. She had warmed up to MacKenzie a bit more when she learned that Nikki was spending time with her for the sake of school.

“Well, it turns out she’s not so bad,” Nikki mumbled. “We stopped fighting, like, two weeks ago.”

Her friends, on the other hand, were not as forgiving.

“Um, have you forgotten literally everything?” Chloe exclaimed. “Do you have amnesia? Did you hit your head or something?”

“MacKenzie is bad news,” Zoey agreed. “She bullied you for the entirety of last year.”

“What if she betrays you again?” Brandon asked, concern in his voice.

“Guys, guys, listen. She actually apologized to me. She’s trying to be better!” Nikki insisted. “She hasn’t been mean to me even once since she said she was sorry.”

Marcus, Chloe’s boyfriend, scoffed. “That doesn’t mean anything. MacKenzie can play nice if she needs to. She’ll just stab you in the back when you least expect it. She did it to Theo.”

Theodore glared at Marcus. “She didn’t ‘stab me in the back’, Marcus, she turned me down when I told her I liked her. Really rudely. At the start of eighth grade. That was ages ago anyway! Have you forgotten I have a girlfriend now?” He gestured to Zoey.

When she gave him a look, he paled and added: “Whom I very much adore!”

“He does have a point, though,” Brandon mused. “MacKenzie has been known to be untrustworthy.”

Nikki pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Look, we have to work together anyway for the school project. At least we’re not fighting anymore.”

“But you’re friends now,” Chloe said.

Nikki looked away. “Yeah, I guess. She’s… a lot nicer than she used to be.”

Zoey cut in to the fray, silencing the newest round of cutting remarks. “Okay, Nikki, I trust you. Just… be careful, okay?”

The others echoed her sentiment.

Days passed. Nikki’s friends still seemed tense whenever she mentioned MacKenzie, but they were learning to relax.

The problem was starting to be with Brandon.

He was still the same sweet guy Nikki had had a crush on in the first place. And now she had him. He was her boyfriend.

She thought she would have been more excited.

It was definitely exciting at first. They’d spend their weekends at Fuzzy Friends, playing with puppies. He’d take her out for ice cream or walks at sunset or out to the movies. He would smile at her so brightly, and she would smile back.

Nikki was just so used to MacKenzie thwarting every attempt to hang out that she was surprised by how smoothly every date went. She even asked MacKenzie about that once.

“Sure you’re not still ‘secretly’ in love with him?”

MacKenzie jolted for a moment. “H-him? Oh, Brandon? He likes you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. Don’t you like him too?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek, unable to meet Nikki’s eyes. But when she spoke, Nikki didn’t think she was lying. “Um. I don’t know. I’ve given up on that. You can have him.”

And that was that.

The problem was that there was no problem. Brandon was completely and utterly hers. He was her boyfriend and she was his girlfriend. She was happy. Right?

The complicated thing was that Nikki was so used to MacKenzie being there. Ready to mess it all up. That had happened so many times that she just assumed it was a given.

But no. MacKenzie never popped up during their dates with a clever smile and a gleam in her eyes. It felt like Nikki’s whole world had been thrown out of balance.

They were friends now, and that was a good thing. But she couldn’t help but wonder if she had been so set on Brandon just because MacKenzie wanted to date him just as badly. As if Brandon was only a trophy to win. That cold thought sent a pang through her heart, because she never wanted to treat Brandon that way. He was a person, not a prize.

But still.

How could she have Brandon without MacKenzie there also?

Nikki lay on her bed with her back to the door, sulking. She had a decision to make, and she was torn between the two.

Brandon wanted to take her on a date this Friday to a concert. (One they’d be spectators in, not performing at, which was a nice change of pace.) But Nikki had already planned to go to MacKenzie’s house that night. Fridays had become a routine. They’d do some work on the project – or rather, MacKenzie would help Nikki along since she already knew exactly what she was doing – but otherwise, they would talk and have fun and play games with her little sister Amanda when she came pounding on MacKenzie’s bedroom door.

Nikki couldn’t just stand him up to hang out with MacKenzie. This was a date. She was his girlfriend. She had to be responsible and make time for him.

Nikki sent MacKenzie a quick text.

They went to the same park stage where Nikki had once tripped on a water bottle, brought down the curtain with her, and humiliated her band and ruined everyone’s night. MacKenzie had been right up in the front row, taking a video that had probably gone viral.

That was then, though. She tried not to dwell on unpleasant memories.

There was the smell of fried food in the air, the lights were twinkling in the slowly-darkening evening, a band was playing music on the stage for a cheering crowd, and Brandon held her hand in his. Nikki let it wash over her like a dream.

She couldn’t imagine giving this up. Giving him up.

No, Brandon was more than a trophy.

Briefly, her mind drifted to MacKenzie. It tended to do that from time to time. No wonder, because that girl was always in her life, day in and day out. She was no longer waiting for MacKenzie to jump out from behind a food stall and ruin their date; now she just wanted to see if she would happen to be here, standing out in the crowd, dancing to the music. Wearing a dress, like the new scarlet one with a low V-cut that Nikki had seen through a display glass window at the mall. Lips glossed red.

But of course she wouldn’t be here. Nikki never ran into her on her dates with Brandon anymore. She got the feeling that MacKenzie purposefully tried to avoid them when they were together. Maybe she really was over Brandon.

Nikki remembered the way MacKenzie couldn’t meet her eyes when she said Nikki could have him.

Or maybe she had just given up, like she said. There wasn’t much you could do when you liked someone who would never like you back.

There was no point in wondering. Nikki smiled at Brandon and gave his hand a squeeze.

She really was happy to be here with him.

MacKenzie sat alone on her living room couch, reading and rereading Nikki’s text. The sky turned purple and then faded to black outside, and she still didn’t move.

Nikki stood her up for a date with her boyfriend.

Fine. That was fine. It wasn’t like they had planned to do much anyway. Just hang out and talk.

There was a sour taste in the back of her mouth. Nikki and her were friends now. Why wasn’t that enough?

Why was that never enough?

The next time Nikki and MacKenzie hung out, reunited on a Friday evening, she put on that pleasant smile she was so used to wearing. Pretended she wasn’t still miffed about the text, the lost time.

It occurred to her that she hadn’t asked Nikki about her date or whether she’d had any fun. MacKenzie wanted to ask. She wanted Nikki to say it was a bore. She wanted Nikki to say that she would rather be here.

But because she knew Nikki would only talk about how fun the concert was, how cute Brandon looked in whatever he was wearing, and not mention MacKenzie at all because MacKenzie hadn’t even crossed her mind, she held that question in instead.

She shoved her feelings deep down and buried them. If Nikki asked what was wrong, she’d say “nothing.” She’d say “I’m fine.” She would smile until that smile became as much a part of her mask as that makeup had once been.

And ask Nikki did. But her question blew any excuses MacKenzie could give right out of the water.

“Are you mad at me?”

That wasn’t the question she had been expecting.

“No. Why would you think that?”

Nikki gave her a pointed look. “I know you and your theatrics, Mac. You’re faking your smile.”

The smile (the mask) dropped off her face entirely. “I—”

I'm not, she had been about to lie, but what was the point in lying?

MacKenzie slid down the edge of the bed and put her hands over her face, groaning.

“MacKenzie? What’s wrong? Really?” Nikki asked.

“Nothing. Everything,” she whispered. “It’s complicated.”

Nikki was silent for a moment. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

MacKenzie pulled her knees to her chest and stared glumly at the floor.

“Is it about the secret?”

She looked up, blue eyes wide and ashamed. How had Nikki guessed? (Of course she had guessed.) “Maybe.”

Nikki sat down next to MacKenzie. She suddenly remembered being in this same spot a few weeks ago, when Nikki just looked at her and time seemed frozen.

Then Nikki took MacKenzie’s hand in hers. “I know that it’s a secret you don’t want getting out, but like… are you okay with sharing it? It seems like you need someone to talk to.”

She sighed. “I guess that depends on your reaction.”

“Look, I don’t know what’s wrong or what you can’t tell me, but… I’m here,” Nikki said, gently squeezing MacKenzie’s hand. Fingers interlaced.

MacKenzie laughed suddenly, though it sounded much darker than her usual one. “That’s kind of the problem.”

Nikki frowned. “Oh.”

“It’s not what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking you hate me.”

“Kind of the opposite,” MacKenzie mumbled under her breath. One arm was still wrapped around her knees. Her other hand was being cradled by Nikki’s. She clung to her legs tighter, met Nikki’s eyes briefly, and then quickly looked away.

“It’s… I… um…”

Why were the words so hard to get out?

Because she’ll tell everyone and they’ll all hate you.

That’s the worst-case scenario, MacKenzie reminded herself.

“Do you know why I hated you in eighth grade?” she finally blurted out.

“Something about both of us fighting over a boy?” Nikki replied with a small smirk.

“Sort of. No. Not really.”

“Not really?” Nikki gawked. “That was the entire reason we were rivals.”

“No, we were rivals because we kept trying to one-up each other,” MacKenzie retorted.

“Okay, fair,” she said. “But still… wasn’t it about Brandon?”

“Well…”

Nikki was just staring at MacKenzie with this worried expression on her face, her brows furrowed with concern.

“Um…” MacKenzie took a deep breath.

Was she really going to do this?

She was really going to do this. (Could Nikki hear MacKenzie’s heartbeat thudding?)

“I never had a crush on Brandon.”

It seemed to take a moment to sink in. Nikki just blinked, then frowned, then opened her mouth, then closed it. After an eternally quiet moment, she spoke.

“Okay, I guess that wouldn’t be the craziest thing I’ve ever heard, but now I’m confused. Like really, really confused. I thought….” She trailed off.

MacKenzie squeezed her eyes shut and rested her head on her knees.

“I had a crush on you.”

Silence.

The hand holding hers let go.

When MacKenzie finally worked up the courage to lift her head from her knees and open her eyes, Nikki was on her feet, staring at MacKenzie openmouthed. Shock was written all over her face. MacKenzie’s gut twisted.

“I—I need to think… I have to go,” Nikki managed, still staring at MacKenzie with that shaken expression.

Then she went for the door, almost tripping over herself in her haste. Fumbling with the doorknob, Nikki hurried out.

MacKenzie hugged her knees to her chest and leaned against her bed, dropping her face in her arms, letting tears leak out now that no one was watching.

Her hand felt cold and empty.

I never should have said anything.

Chapter 7: Freak

Chapter Text

Growing up as a lesbian in New York was… interesting, to say the least. The people on the news were supportive. Sometimes. Depending on which channel you watched.

Even before she knew that about herself, something just felt off. The way her parents made snide remarks during June. The way the kids giggled “That’s so gay” in the hallways, and she always felt like they were whispering about her.

Of course, they weren’t talking about her. They were talking about a dumb thing one student said. They turned the word into a weapon against one another.

She remembered being eleven years old and listening to Katy Perry’s song “I Kissed A Girl” on repeat, hoping that no one would somehow accidentally see her Spotify playlists.

She felt isolated from everyone else in ways she didn’t understand. Not until later.

Not until she found herself sitting at her desk in sixth grade, looking at a girl. Not just any girl. Allie. Her friend.

Allie was probably the most popular girl in WCD. And really pretty. People looked at her all the time. Especially boys. It always bugged MacKenzie when they did that. Allie never seemed to mind, even enjoying the attention.

She never seemed to care about the attention MacKenzie was willing to give her.

MacKenzie noticed her, just like everybody else. Her long dark hair, her rich brown eyes, her perfect designer clothes and her stunning smile.

Her sparkly lip gloss.

In MacKenzie’s sixth-grade English class, while the lights were dimmed and a video was playing on the smartboard and the screen lit up Allie’s face like a spotlight, a whisper pierced her mind.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss her.

Every single thought came crashing down. Noise was reduced to silence. Her heart thumped in her ears.

Wait. No. I didn’t mean that.

In that moment MacKenzie was terrified that someone could read her mind.

The pencil she was gripping snapped in two.

“MacKenzie!” Jason Feldman, the all-American golden boy, tapped on her shoulder. “I have something for you.”

She turned around. “What?”

“A kiss.”

She jerked back automatically; he laughed at her, instead holding out a Chocolate Kiss. She wasn’t sure whether his laugh was good-natured or cruel.

“What for?” she asked, still wary.

“It’s a gift. I want you to be my girlfriend.”

She froze, her fingers centimeters from touching the Chocolate Kiss. “Um…”

He grabbed her hand and dropped a promise ring inside her palm.

“Pretty please?” Jason asked, as smooth as a twelve-year-old boy could be.

MacKenzie hated the feel of his fingers on hers. She ripped her hand away, letting the ring fall and hit the floor. It clinked against the tile.

“No! Ew, Jason. I will never like you like that.”

In retrospect, it was a debilitating way to turn someone down. If Allie (or Nikki) had ever said that to her, MacKenzie would have shattered. But all that had been flashing through her mind was No, no, no, never.

When school ended and June rolled around and social media was bombarded with Pride posts, MacKenzie spent hours scrolling through her feed, amazed that there were pictures of women getting married to each other and people coming out and so much hope that she could feel it. Adults who were just living their lives, who had left school cliques behind and were unafraid to be themselves.

That June, when she was thirteen years old, she learned to replace the love her parents couldn’t give her with the love from strangers through a screen.

Allie’s dad was in the military. They moved around a lot, sometimes not staying in the same place for more than a year.

Moving day was upon her again.

The whole school was sorry to see her go, MacKenzie most of all. Over the course of sixth grade, she and Allie had built up a friendship. They’d have sleepovers and stay up late into the night whispering secrets.

MacKenzie kept the biggest secret to herself. Allie didn’t need to know that she once cried in her bathroom after realizing she had a crush on her friend.

MacKenzie walked up the driveway. Allie was helping her mom pack up. She watched as they broke a sweat hauling boxes into the moving van. Why Allie’s mom was choosing to move the boxes herself instead of paying some movers to do it for her, MacKenzie couldn’t fathom.

“Allie!” she called out.

Allie looked back, her face lighting up in a smile. The locket on her chest gleamed in the sunlight. Butterflies swirled in MacKenzie’s stomach.

“Kenzie, hi!” She waved.

“So. Moving day,” MacKenzie said, stepping up to her.

Allie, her best friend, was finally leaving. She felt like crying. She already missed her bright smile. Her dark, flawless skin, her pretty black braids that hung down to her waist.

Allie really was the most beautiful girl in school. It was no wonder she was the CCP Queen. (Not for long, not if she left.)

“Yeah,” Allie sighed. “I’m really gonna miss you. And Jason.”

MacKenzie’s smile dropped for a moment. Jason Feldman. The most popular boy in the sixth grade, the boy who went for Allie as soon as MacKenzie rejected him. She couldn’t help but resent him.

Allie absentmindedly twirled the locket in her fingers. It had been a gift. The locket had been stowed away in Allie’s locker, along with a confession note that had been tightly folded inside the locket.

The whole school had raved over Jason’s sweet present.

Nobody knew that it wasn’t Jason who wrote the note and hid the locket in her locker.

They all dismissed the curly handwriting.

Dear Allie,

I have a crush on you.

I got you this gift to show you how much you mean to me.

Peak middle-school writing, right there.

Allie smiled sadly at MacKenzie. “Well, it was nice seeing you. Maybe for the last time.”

“I can come visit you in Ohio,” MacKenzie blurted. “We can still be… friends.”

“I’d like that, Kenzie.”

MacKenzie stepped forward and engulfed Allie in a hug, burying her head in her shoulder. Allie squeezed her back just as tightly.

Maybe she stayed that way a moment too long. Allie seemed relieved to let go.

MacKenzie started walking back down the driveway. There were a million things she wanted to say. A million things she wanted to confess. A million secrets she wanted to reveal.

MacKenzie stopped in her tracks.

Soon Allie would be gone, and she would have no one left to tell.

“Allie,” MacKenzie said, spinning around.

Allie turned back around. “Yeah?”

“I wanted to tell you something.” MacKenzie took a deep breath.

Just tell her. Just ask her.

The worst she can say is no.

“I was the one who gave you the locket. I wrote you the letter. Not Jason.”

Allie blinked. Her smile seemed frozen in place. “What?”

“I-I’ve kind of had a crush on you. And I was wondering if you… if maybe… if maybe you could like me too?”

Allie’s bright smile was gone now.

“What?” she repeated.

Alarm bells started ringing in MacKenzie’s mind. Allie was going to say no. This wasn’t going to go well.

MacKenzie swallowed, but her mouth was dry. “Never mind. Forget it.”

“You like me?”

The disgust in Allie’s voice was unmistakable.

MacKenzie’s lips parted. No sound came out. This was not going to go well.

Allie suddenly ripped off the locket from around her neck. She flung it to the ground, where it landed at MacKenzie’s feet. “Keep your horrible locket! I don’t want it!”

All she could do was stare at the silver chain on the ground, glinting amid the dirt. The heart shape at the end of it, that contained a little note signed by no one.

“I’m sorry,” MacKenzie whispered.

When she stepped forward, over the broken remains of friendship contained in a locket, Allie stepped back.

“You thought I would actually like you back?” Allie sneered. “That’s just… wrong.”

Wrong.

It’s wrong because she’s a girl.

I’m not supposed to like girls.

“Forget friendship. I never want to see you again,” Allie spat. “Freak.”

Freak.

The word echoed in MacKenzie’s ears.

Tears fell down her burning cheeks.

“Allie, I’m sorry—”

“Just wait until the whole school hears about this.” Allie laughed mockingly. Her voice wobbled.

She pulled out her phone.

“No, wait, you can’t!” MacKenzie exclaimed, darting forward and freezing a few feet in front of Allie when she recoiled from her. “If they find out, I’ll be an outcast!”

“Good!” Allie snapped back.

MacKenzie flinched.

Allie typed out a message.

“Allie!” her mom yelled. “What’s going on?”

In the split second that Allie’s attention was divided, MacKenzie surged forward and ripped the phone right out of her hand.

“Hey!” Allie shouted.

MacKenzie was already running away.

“My phone! Give me back my phone!” Allie howled, giving chase.

It didn’t matter that MacKenzie was in sandals and Allie was in tennis shoes. Or that her vision was so blurred that she could hardly see in front of her.

What mattered was that she was running for her life now, and nobody was ever going to catch her.

MacKenzie slammed the door to her room. She slid down the wall, her body shaking, tears streaming down her face, silently weeping.

She quickly erased the unsent message on Allie’s phone.

The phone clattered out of her hand.

The tears kept coming. MacKenzie clamped a hand over her mouth, trying not to make a sound.

She curled inward, burying her face in her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs.

Horrible.

MacKenzie wanted to erase Allie’s words out of existence.

Wrong.

But they were burned into her mind.

Freak.

Chapter 8: Something on your mind?

Chapter Text

Nikki’s hands itched to write, her thoughts spiraling out of control, but restraint held her back. Some secrets weren’t meant to be written out. Not where people could find them. Not where little sisters with prying fingers or well-meaning parents or mean girls in lip gloss could read them.

After she’d called her mom to pick her up that Friday night, refusing to tell her what was wrong, she waited on the doorstep until the Roachmobile parked out front to take her away.

Now she walked back and forth. From the wall. To the bed.

To the wall. To the bed.

Back and forth.

She picked up her diary and set it back down on her desk, not even opening it up.

She never knew that MacKenzie… that MacKenzie was… interested in her that way. It never even crossed her mind. She thought it was about Brandon.

She thought it was about a boy.

Nikki found herself thinking over every memory of every encounter she’d had with MacKenzie. Every bitter insult. Every brief moment of friendship, when MacKenzie’s face would light up in a way Nikki rarely saw every time they worked together.

She paced in her room, words and sentences and strings of conversations playing over and over in her mind. I had a crush on you. Lingering looks and hidden smiles. Whatever, dork. Pained blue eyes that never quite met hers. I have a secret.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. It was her mom. Nikki froze momentarily, feeling guilty, as if her mother could read her thoughts and was prepared to judge.

“Something on your mind?” she asked.

“Uh… n-no,” Nikki lied unconvincingly.

“Really? Because you didn’t eat your dinner and you’ve barely said a word all night. And you practically ran from MacKenzie’s house. Are you sure there isn’t something you need to tell me?”

Her mom wasn’t mad, just concerned. Worry shone in her eyes, hidden behind her placating smile.

“I’m—well—something happened,” Nikki stammered. “There’s… someone… who told me they have a crush on me. And I don’t know what to do now.”

Her mom relaxed. “Oh, good. I was worried that… never mind. Do you like him back?”

Nikki internally cringed. “Um, I don’t kn—no. I don’t.”

Of course I don’t, why would I? I do know that I don’t like her. Just because I never noticed how beautiful she is, or that I really like talking to her now that she’s nice, or… or whatever, it doesn’t mean that I like her. Obviously.

“Besides, I’m with Brandon anyway,” Nikki added. That fact made her feel safer. She had an excuse.

Her mom was quiet for a moment. “Nikki, just because you have feelings for one boy, it doesn’t diminish your feelings for another.”

“I know.” She didn’t know that.

“Does MacKenzie like him? Is that why you left her house in such a hurry?”

“I don’t know.” She wanted to crawl into a hole. Eighth grade repeating all over again. “Can we please talk about something else?”

Her mom nodded and smiled. “It’s family game night! Brianna created a new board game. Let’s see how well we fare against her and her made-up rules, eh?”

Nikki followed her down the hall, grateful for a distraction.

“You alright?” Brandon nudged her.

Nikki had been spaced out again, walking through the mall and barely noticing what was in front of her. That kept happening.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

He looked at her, waiting for her to elaborate, but she said nothing more.

“Well, I’m here if you want to talk,” he finally said, giving her an easy smile.

How do I talk to you about this?

Nothing about her situation was easy. She didn’t know how to tell Brandon that MacKenzie – yes, her rival-turned-friend – had admitted to having a crush on her. Or how to tell him that her response to that quiet declaration wasn’t much of a response at all. She took the coward's way out.

Nikki cringed, thinking over that interaction.

She never meant to recoil. To drop MacKenzie’s hand as if it were fire burning up her own. To stare into MacKenzie’s eyes, icy blue eyes melting right in front of her, and stammer out an excuse so she could leave without even a glance back.

Nikki had not handled that well.

And yet, she still didn’t know how to talk to MacKenzie. What to say.

Thanks for telling me that you tormented me all throughout last year because you really liked me! That means a lot!

Ugh. She wished she could spill her guts out about this to someone.

Chloe and Zoey always gave great relationship advice, but she wasn’t dealing with how to flirt with Brandon anymore. She was dealing with how to talk to MacKenzie – in a totally friend way – without leading her on or feeling weirded out every second that they hung out.

However, she didn’t think that MacKenzie would be very happy if Nikki told her friends about that crush. It wasn’t like MacKenzie had explicitly told her to keep it a secret. But considering Nikki had left immediately after MacKenzie had spoken, it wasn’t like she’d gotten a chance to ask that of her anyhow.

Nobody else knows.

It could ruin my life.

Nikki had no intentions of sharing MacKenzie’s secret.

When Nikki walked into Science class an hour late on a Monday morning, hoping to avoid the other girl, her fears were confirmed. MacKenzie was there, sitting in the front row next to an empty seat. Her eyes widened when she saw Nikki. She bit her lip and looked away.

Nikki received a reprimand from her teacher about being on time (no detention, thankfully), then sat down next to MacKenzie.

The blonde didn’t look at her, only wordlessly slid her notes over for Nikki to copy.

Thank you, she wanted to say, but the words got stuck in her throat. We should talk, she wanted to say, but they were in a classroom and she still didn't know how to fix this, only how to throw a sheet over the mess so she didn't have to look at it.

They didn’t speak for the rest of class.

Since that night, Nikki hadn’t had a real conversation with MacKenzie even once. She passed her in hallways, always looking away. In Science class, she never said a word to her. MacKenzie never spoke to her first.

The silence was deafening; it stretched on.

Nikki finally worked up the courage to share her problem with Chloe and Zoey – in the vaguest way possible, of course.

“What do you do when someone tells you a secret that kind of affects you a lot but would also hurt them if you told anyone else?”

Chloe stared at her blankly. Zoey exchanged a look with Chloe and closed the book she was barely paying attention to, picking up another one.

“Um, Nikki, what’s this about?”

She swallowed. “MacKenzie.”

“Hang on, I thought you guys were besties now,” Chloe said. Nikki ignored the hint of jealousy in her tone.

“We—it’s complicated. She didn’t do anything to me and we’re not fighting again, she just… told me something… that kind of changes everything.”

Zoey looked up from the self-help book she was leafing through. “Really? What did she say?”

Nikki shook her head. “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

“Oh, now you’re sharing secrets.” Chloe flopped back on Zoey’s bed and buried her face into the mattress.

“It’s not like that, Chloe. It was just something she thought I should know.”

“A secret something that you can’t tell us. How do you expect us to help you if you can’t even tell us the problem?” Chloe complained.

Fair point. But it wasn’t like she could tell them the problem. Without hurting MacKenzie’s feelings and seriously breaking her trust.

“Brandon asked about you, you know,” Zoey said, smoothly changing the subject. “He’s worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Nikki said.

“Nikki, nobody who says they’re fine is ever actually fine. He said you’ve been super distracted for the last couple days. It’s like you barely even notice he’s there.”

“You used to be obsessed with him,” Chloe added.

“I was never obsessed with Brandon. I just liked him a whole lot – and I still do! It’s just – MacKenzie—”

“It’s always MacKenzie,” Chloe said. Her tone wasn’t angry or annoyed; it was simply a statement of fact.

Zoey and Chloe looked at her, and she looked away, trying not to let the truth shine through her eyes.

Nikki retreated into herself.

The diary remained untouched, hidden in her desk drawer.

Friday evening.

Nikki was back to pacing in her room again. Chloe and Zoey hadn’t been much help – not that they could help, since Nikki couldn’t give away the truth.

She wasn’t alone, at least. Normally Nikki hated it when Brianna barged in and shoved Miss Penelope (her puppet-hand) in Nikki’s face and bugged her for no reason. Now she was grateful for Brianna’s chatter.

Her little sister sat cross-legged on the bed, playing that Princess Sugar Plum game on her phone. Nikki was left alone with her thoughts. Actually, they were starting to become more rational thoughts.

Okay. How much does this change, really?

MacKenzie hadn’t ever dated boys in eighth grade. And hey, she wasn’t trying to sabotage Nikki and Brandon’s relationship anymore. She was a lot kinder than she used to be. She smiled more. Real, happy smiles that weren’t cold or calculated.

Nikki realized she had been thinking about this all wrong. MacKenzie confessed a secret to her, and all Nikki had done was shut her out because she was scared that the past had been a lie so the future was no better. Forget MacKenzie being nice now – that was horrible of Nikki. It suddenly occurred to her (how had she not considered this before?), that MacKenzie was just as unnerved, albeit for different reasons.

Nikki opened her diary, and for the first time in a week, she began to write.

Friday evening.

She hoped their weekly Friday-night routine hadn't been broken by that secret. That their newfound friendship hadn't been broken by that secret.

MacKenzie watched the window, checked her texts. The last one was from last week, before MacKenzie had come out to Nikki.

Nikki: Heading over

MacKenzie: Don’t forget the worksheet this time

Nikki: I wont. Don’t be a drama queen

MacKenzie had snickered then. She wasn’t laughing now.

Should she text her? Or just leave it alone? Nikki hadn’t texted her at all since that fateful day.

Six o’clock came and went. Then seven passed.

Nikki never showed up.

Chapter 9: Sharing Secrets?

Chapter Text

Friday, October 4^th

Hey. I haven’t picked up this diary in a week.

Something happened last Friday and I was too paranoid to write about it. I just stopped writing at all.

I don’t know what to do. I wish I could write what happened, but I CAN’T. It’s not my secret to tell. I wish I could explain more than just this:

MacKenzie told me a secret, THE secret, and I ran away. I feel guilty about it every day. But the secret, it DID involve me, and I didn’t know how to feel about it. I still don’t. That’s kind of why I’m writing now. I need to know what I’m feeling. Why I’m so terrified about it, why I can’t really look her in the eyes anymore. It’s not her fault. I swear it’s not her fault.

I used to pester her about whether or not it was a really bad secret. I feel like a jerk now. She probably thinks it IS a bad secret. It’s not! Just a complicated one.

I wish I’d just stayed and talked it out with her.

I haven’t seen her in a week. Outside of school, I mean.

Fridays are the day we normally hang out. I don’t know if I’m ready to go over there yet. It’s 7:22pm, and I’m still at home writing in my STUPID diary!!

Did she think I was coming? Did she wait for me?

You know, MacKenzie’s birthday was on September 28^th. The day after she told me the secret. I should have talked to her then, at the party.

I did go. She asked me to, weeks before.

I just didn’t stay.

I left her a present. A painting I made. I started it pretty soon after she told me the secret, ‘cause I wasn’t just going to forget about her. I didn’t know what to paint at first, but I hope she likes it.

I hope she doesn’t hate me. But I wouldn’t blame her if she did. We’ve done LOTS of horrible things to each other. I guess, even after everything, this feels like the worst one.

I have to talk to her. Not tonight, because it’s too late out and I don’t think her family would like some teenage girl ringing the doorbell after the sun’s already set. I wouldn’t want to bother them. They’re probably the kind of family that has more important things to do.

I’ll see you tomorrow, Mac.

There wasn’t a chocolate fountain at her birthday party this time.

MacKenzie strode around, mingled with the guests, and played host. She watched the presents collect on the tabletop, the cards piling up next to them. The cake, three layers of sugar and strawberry and velvet icing, sat farther away on another table under a glass cake dome, where it wouldn’t be touched by anyone.

You should come, MacKenzie had told Nikki two weeks before. It’ll be fun. And there won’t be a chocolate fountain for you to ruin.

Nikki had looked at her, hopeful and happy. Sure, why not. Can’t be worse than last time.

So, where was she? Or had the secret ruined their friendship enough to make their problems bleed over into her birthday?

Family and friends and frenemies and ex-friends walked through the door, but MacKenzie never caught sight of a girl with pigtails.

Why can’t I ever just be happy?

When it came time to open the presents, she did see that one was from Nikki. A thin rectangular one, covered by sparkly blue wrapping paper. She went for that one first, tearing the paper apart.

It was a painting. A beautiful one. There was a girl in it, turned away so MacKenzie couldn’t see her face. MacKenzie didn’t know if it was meant to be her or not, but she knew that the present meant that Nikki had stopped by after all.

Maybe they weren’t a lost cause.

When the doorbell rang, MacKenzie’s hopes had long since been deflated. Most likely it was another toy Amanda had ordered with their mom’s credit card.

She opened the door and all but froze. Today was a Saturday. Not a Friday.

And yet, there stood Nikki, shifting uneasily.

“Hi,” she mumbled.

MacKenzie wondered if she was hallucinating.

“You’re here? I mean, hi,” MacKenzie stammered.

She paused awkwardly in the doorway a moment longer. Then she turned on her heel and stiffly walked up to her room, letting Nikki close the door and follow from behind. The atmosphere was the same as the first day of school.

MacKenzie pursed her lips when Nikki hesitantly walked in her bedroom. Maybe she was wondering if she was allowed in here anymore. When Nikki shut the door, the question fell right out of her mouth.

“Did you tell anybody?”

Nikki blinked and tried to gauge what she meant. “Did I—? Oh. No. I didn’t.”

MacKenzie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. That weight had been pressing down on her for over a week. There were no rumors at school, no one had been watching her. Her social circle was still intact.

There hadn’t been much cause to worry. But even so, she had still been terrified that Nikki told her friends, or her parents. Even Nikki giving away MacKenzie’s secret to her little sister Brianna could have resulted in disaster.

“I didn’t even put it in my diary,” Nikki added, which shocked MacKenzie because she thought Nikki wrote down everything.

She really didn’t tell anyone.

Nikki’s eyes settled on the painting MacKenzie had propped on the floor by her windowsill. It depicted a blonde girl facing away, but she was mostly hidden by a stream of vibrant colors. Butterflies swirled on the bottom, stars sprinkled the top. It looked as if she was walking through a rainbow in the sky. The tag on the side, the tag that MacKenzie still hadn’t taken off and never wanted to, read From, Nikki.

“Do you hate it?” Nikki asked self-consciously.

MacKenzie shook her head. “No! It’s gorgeous. Um… thank you. For the present. It’s my second-favorite.”

“What beat out my painting?” Nikki asked teasingly.

“It was my sixteenth birthday. My parents got me a new Ferrari,” MacKenzie smirked, rooting through her purse and pulling out a car key.

Nikki blinked. “Oh. Yeah. That’ll do it. Do you have your license?”

“I got that on my birthday too,” MacKenzie said. “After the party.”

She stared at Nikki, who looked away guiltily, her gaze finding the painting once more.

“So you did come,” she said, “I just never saw you.”

“Yeah,” Nikki winced. “I’m here now.”

Too late, MacKenzie wanted to snap, but she couldn’t muster up the energy. And now that Nikki was finally talking to her again, she didn’t want to do or say anything else that would mess it up.

“About that,” Nikki said, when the awkward silence started to be too much. “I, um, wanted to talk to you.”

MacKenzie braced for the inevitable. I’m sorry, it’s just too weird to ever hang out with you again, so we’ll just go back to how things used to be.

“I want to apologize. For what happened last Friday.”

“…Apologize?” This couldn’t be right.

“Yeah. And talk. I know we talked about eighth grade a little, and we stopped the rivalry, but I wanted to actually, like, talk about it. If you’re okay with that?”

“…Okay.” Her suaveness had left her, and now she was feeling small and confused in the face of the kindness that Nikki showed her and that no one else had. Would she be able to utter more than one word today? Her walls were still up.

But Nikki didn’t act like she was about to throw their friendship away.

“Okay!” Nikki sat down across from MacKenzie. Sitting on the floor once more.

She thought briefly of her therapy sessions, where she unloaded all her shallow problems on Dr. Hadley and kept the thornier ones to herself, letting them slice her up inside while she wore a smile as fake as Victoria Steel’s designer handbag. He always pushed her to go deeper, to tell him what was really wrong.

Why do you hate Nikki?

Who is Allie, and why don’t you talk about her?

What will happen if you lose your popularity?

She always changed the subject.

Here was someone she didn’t have to hide around anymore. And yet, neither of them were talking.

The tension was enough to make MacKenzie cleared her throat. “So, what did you have in mind? Sharing secrets?”

Nikki’s eyes brightened. “Actually… that’s exactly what we should do!”

MacKenzie regretted her words.

Nikki must have seen the look on her face. “It doesn’t have to be a secret. Look, I’ll go first! You already kind of know what used to be my biggest secret. My dad was the janitor of WCD. Actually, it was the only reason I was able to go to that school at all. Him working there landed me a scholarship.”

“Is that still a secret?” MacKenzie asked skeptically.

“The ultimate part of that secret was that my family isn’t actually rich like everyone else. I needed that scholarship or I couldn’t go to private school.”

“I already knew this anyway,” MacKenzie said.

Nikki glanced at her in frustration. “Fine. But did you know that I used to want to be your best friend?”

MacKenzie snapped her head up. “You did?”

Nikki smirked at her. “You don’t know everything about me, MacKenzie Hollister.”

She scooted closer to her. “Now you.”

“But you already know my secret.”

“I did say it doesn’t have to be a secret. Tell me whatever you want, Mac,” Nikki smiled. “Preferably something I don’t already know.”

MacKenzie bit her lip. “Uh…”

“Literally anything. Don’t overwork your brain cells.”

She rolled her eyes and refused to laugh. “Anything, huh. Alright. I’ve been taking ice-skating lessons since I was seven.”

Nikki co*cked her head. “I think I remember you saying that, back in December. We had that contest, remember? I wish I got to see your performance. I was locked in a storage closet at the time.”

MacKenzie nearly choked. “What? Nooo….”

When Nikki raised eyebrows at her, she tossed her hair and bragged, “My routine was flawless. I was flawless. But, um, sorry. About that thing that you totally can’t prove was me. Hey, at least you won!”

“I guess I have you to thank for that. You also switched our fairy costumes with clown ones. It backfired,” Nikki said with an endearing smirk.

MacKenzie found herself smiling in return; not smirking, smiling. “Okay, I gave up a ‘secret’. You’re up.”

Nikki tapped her lips, thinking. “One time I was supposed to be watching Brianna, but she managed to slip away. This was at a theater – the play kind, not the movie screen kind – and we were watching The Nutcracker. Mom and Dad were starting to freak out. Guess where she was?”

“Outside?”

“On the stage. Wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. She started trying to eat all the fake candy, and even tackled a guy dressed like a cake. The audience started cheering for all the people trying to escape her. ‘Run, run!’

“Anyway, she got in trouble, but Mom and Dad thought it was hilarious, so they didn’t go too hard on her.”

MacKenzie couldn’t talk for the moment; she had burst into laughter halfway through Nikki’s story. She finally regained control, still grinning and chuckling a little. “Little sisters. So annoying. One time my parents made me watch Amanda and she hid somewhere in the house for like an hour. I wasn’t worried at first, but then I started to think she’d run away, so I got panicked. Turns out the little brat snuck in my room to play games on my computer.”

Nikki laughed. “The last place you’d look. Did you get in trouble?”

“No, I found her before I ever told anyone she was missing. It’s a secret I’ll take to my grave.”

Nikki poked her. “Not if you just told me.”

“Yeah, well. Your turn.”

“One time I lost my diary, and I went on a whole wild-goose chase to find it.”

MacKenzie muttered, “Sor—”

Nikki put out a hand to stop her. “Oh, this wasn’t the time you took it. I thought you took it at the time, but you didn’t. I mean I genuinely lost it. I was so addicted to writing in that thing that I took one of Brianna’s old notebooks and started writing in that instead. At least until I could get the real one back.”

“You found it, right? You must have.”

“Yeah. Brianna had it. She brought it to school for show-and-tell.”

“Maybe I’ll hire her as my partner-in-crime next time I steal it,” MacKenzie joked.

Nikki smiled a little, but MacKenzie wondered if the joke wasn’t in poor taste. “Your turn.”

“I do have a real secret, actually. I mean, it ties to the real one,” MacKenzie said. “You weren’t the first person I told about – you know – and not the first to figure it out, either.”

Nikki’s eyes widened. “Really? Who else knows?”

“I told my first crush, who’s a stranger now. The person to actually figure it out on her own was Tiffany, though.”

“She knew? And she didn’t, like, say anything?”

MacKenzie snickered. “Oh, she said plenty. To me, nobody else. She’d tease me, like, every day for my crush on you. I must’ve told her to shut up multiple times a day whenever we ran into you.”

Nikki picked at the carpet. “She wasn’t mean?”

“Mean in her usual Tiffany way. Not mean in the way you’re implying. Besides,” MacKenzie said, and Nikki waited for her to add something else, but she only remarked, “it’s your turn.”

“I feel like we’re back in kindergarten. Playing dumb get-to-know-you games.”

MacKenzie smirked at her. “Hey, this was your idea. Kindergarten had the right idea. It was easier. No one judged you.”

“People still judged me,” Nikki said, wide-eyed. “I failed so many kindergarten quizzes because I forgot that two plus two equals four. I always put down three. My teacher definitely judged me!”

MacKenzie laughed. “Let’s see… in fifth grade everyone asked who your celebrity crush was and I said Zendaya. Turns out they didn’t think that answer counted, because it was supposed to be ‘an actual crush on a celebrity’, not an ‘idol’. What did they know. I had to improvise really quickly. I can’t remember who I said. Tom Holland, maybe, because he played in that Spider-Man movie with Zendaya and that was the first guy that came to mind.”

“I think I revolved around crushing on every member of the Bad Boyz in fourth and fifth grade,” Nikki said, blushing. “So glad that phase was long over by the time I actually met them.”

There was a pause in their conversation. MacKenzie didn’t know why she brought up crushes.

“Your turn.”

MacKenzie stared at the ground, pulled into a memory. She traced the word Allie into the carpet floor with a manicured nail. It left no impression behind. “The summer before seventh grade started, I confessed to my crush and she called me a freak.”

The smile was wiped off Nikki’s face. “She—what? That little….”

MacKenzie looked away, resting her chin on her arms. It was no longer her turn, but she kept talking. Talking was what Nikki wanted, right? Until they got to the bottom of what made them so wrong. “That’s why I hated you. I hated myself too. I’m not – I can’t – I’m not supposed to like you. To like girls. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Nikki repeated, clearly dumbfounded.

“For… liking you.” She closed her eyes, felt the buildup of tears behind her eyelids and willed them gone, and whispered the next part. “I still do.”

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay. I mean, it… I… it’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize for that,” Nikki quickly assured her.

Then she cleared her throat. “You know… there’s nothing wrong with liking girls.”

MacKenzie laughed bitterly, without humor. “I guarantee you my parents aren’t going to see it that way. Or even my friends, for that matter. Jessica, Jennifer, Taylor, the rest.”

“Then they’re not real friends,” Nikki replied defiantly.

“And what? You are? Even after what I told you?” MacKenzie sniffled. “You don’t think I’m a f-freak or something?”

“No, of course not!”

“But you ran out. You stared at me like I was—” She bit her tongue. “And after, you couldn’t even look at me.”

Nikki cringed. “I was so, so stupid. I was being an idiot. I—I was surprised, and confused, and I didn’t know what to think, because that was literally the last thing I ever expected you to say. I’m so sorry.”

When MacKenzie started shaking, Nikki wrapped her arms around her. She stiffened at first, but found herself leaning against the other girl, sobbing into her shoulder.

Nikki’s shirt muffled her cries and absorbed her tears.

They stood by the front door once more. Through the window, MacKenzie could see a car parked out front; a regular van, not the one with the monstrous roach on top of it.

“Got any other secrets for me, Mac?” Nikki asked.

MacKenzie shook her head. Nikki didn’t need to know that she’d counted down the days until Friday, and counted them down again until the next Friday. Or that she’d stared at that painting every night, that she’d put it by her window so she could look at it every morning. Had the rainbow of colors been intentional?

She’d hang it on her wall soon. She didn’t trust Fifi, her poodle, not to tear into it at some point.

“…See you next Friday?” MacKenzie asked in the most hesitant voice.

Nikki grinned at her. Her smile the sun. “Definitely.”

She walked out the door and closed it behind her, leaving MacKenzie with more hope for the future than she’d had in the past three years.

Chapter 10: Trying was enough

Chapter Text

Nikki was back at MacKenzie’s house on Monday morning, four days before their usual meet-up. She said that they had a lot to catch up on with the project (despite only missing a week, which didn’t really set them back at all since they still had the rest of the semester to do it), then stayed at MacKenzie’s house for two hours and worked on the project for twenty minutes.

On Thursday, MacKenzie had joked, “Making excuses just to see me?”

“I don’t need an excuse. I want to see you,” Nikki had replied.

MacKenzie bit her cheek to keep from smiling too widely.

When Friday rolled around, they spent twice as much time working on the project – which amounted to forty minutes in total – before getting sidetracked with questions and banter and each other.

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” Nikki asked. "Like, for whatever reason."

MacKenzie scoffed. “Of course not. My standards are too high.”

Nikki snickered at her. MacKenzie flipped her hair self-righteously.

“Hang on,” Nikki said, her eyes lighting up. “I just realized that I pulled Brandon, Andre, and you. What is up with everyone? I’m a dork.”

MacKenzie laughed. “A very lovable dork, though.”

Nikki blinked and blushed.

“And hateable.”

Nikki rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Well, you’re very annoying. Super self-centered.”

“Um, have you looked in the mirror even once in the past year?” she retorted.

“You were terrified of people finding out your dad is the janitor of WCD, because that was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. You’re horrible at French. Your fashion sense ranges between ‘actually good’ and ‘downright revolting’. You’re obsessed with drawing. And you’re actually kind of good at it. You care about the people around you. Everyone likes you. You have a captivating singing voice. You’re really pretty.” MacKenzie bit down hard on her lip after uttering that last thought. She was heading from friendly-teasing territory into it’s-so-freaking-obvious-I-have-a-crush-on-you territory.

But Nikki’s eyes were wide and sparkly and her face was red.

“Um… wow. Thank you,” she stammered.

“You’re a girl,” she whispered under her breath, too quietly for Nikki to hear.

Monday again, and Nikki was back again, although in a slightly cantankerous mood. MacKenzie had run into Chloe and Zoey that day, who murmured under their breath and faked politeness. She faked nothing, only glaring at them through her compact mirror while they hid behind their smiles. She snapped the mirror shut and walked past them. She had nothing to say to the other dorks. Were all of them terrible at fashion? Was that a universal dork trait? The old MacKenzie would have left some scathing reviews. The new one tried to play a bit nicer – she said not a word.

“Can’t you at least try to get along with my friends?”

“I don’t think your friends want me around,” MacKenzie said. “Besides, it’s not like you’ve ever tried to get along with the CCPs.”

“Maybe because sometimes they can be jerks,” Nikki muttered under her breath.

“You want me to apologize to you on behalf of them, too?”

Nikki narrowed her eyes. “I never said that, Mac. But, you know, you should apologize to Brandon at least. If not the others.”

MacKenzie clenched her teeth. “Do I really have to?”

Nikki shot her a glare – her usual sunshine smile was gone. “You hurt him too. Not just me.”

She sighed, feeling her stomach flop with guilt. “I know.”

“Tomorrow he’ll be at Queasy Cheesy at five for Andrew’s birthday party,” Nikki said, setting down her phone and ridding MacKenzie of excuses.

“But won’t you be over—”

“Tomorrow's a Tuesday, not a Friday. I can see you after, anyway. No getting out of this, Mac.”

She grumbled to herself.

“What was that?”

MacKenzie threw a pillow at her. “You’re impossible.”

“I know,” Nikki grinned, letting the pillow hit her and tossing it right back. MacKenzie ducked. “And if I’ve taught you anything, it’s that being nice actually feels pretty nice.”

So because MacKenzie couldn’t say no to Nikki if she didn’t want to strain their friendship (and also because Nikki was right; Brandon deserved an apology), she stood outside the Queasy Cheesy doors while a party transpired inside.

It was one of the CCP kid’s birthday parties, so there was a gaggle of popular kids hanging around. Why Andrew chose Queasy Cheesy as a place to have his party, MacKenzie couldn’t fathom. With its old arcade games and robotic stage animals, it was a place more suited for six-year-olds than sixteen-year-olds. The pizza wasn’t even that good.

There were actually a lot of kids MacKenzie already knew, so before finding Brandon she got lost in three different conversations involving gossip, celebrity, and trash-talking best friends who were one table over.

MacKenzie finally spied Brandon stocking his present in the pile and speed-walked over to him.

She grabbed his arm. “I need to talk to you.”

Brandon raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth to protest, but must have seen the look on her face, because he closed it and nodded instead. MacKenzie let go and wove through the crowd, pushing through Queasy Cheesy’s side entrance.

The fresh air blew against her face. MacKenzie closed her eyes and inhaled. It was easier to think when there weren’t people breathing down her neck, commenting on her clothes and dishing out compliments that were faker than her spray-on tan. She was tired of people being fake to her. It was why being with Nikki, the only person MacKenzie could ever be real to, was so refreshing.

She turned around to meet Brandon’s eyes. He closed the door behind him, and then they were alone in the parking lot.

MacKenzie instinctively eyed the cars in the lot, deducing whether anyone was sitting in the seats, whether they could be overhead, or if anyone had followed them out. She couldn’t risk saying anything personal to him unless absolutely no one else was around.

Brandon cleared his throat. “So…”

She looked at him. “Um.”

MacKenzie hadn’t really thought this through. What was she going to say? I realized I’ve been treating you like garbage, the same way that boys sometimes treat me – like I’m only good for eye candy, and that was really cruddy of me. Sorry. Want to be friends? Oh, and also, I’m doing this solely because Nikki asked me to.

If she said that, it might register in his mind that she never really liked him. Which maybe was for the best. But upon realizing that, he would have even more questions, questions that she couldn’t answer unless she wanted to keep up the façade. (Did she?)

“I’m assuming you brought me out here for a reason?” Brandon asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” she managed. “It’s just, um… I don’t know how to say it.”

He twirled the drink in his hands, staring down at the straw, waiting patiently.

“I’m sorry,” MacKenzie blurted.

Brandon looked up, blinking in surprise. He recovered much quicker than Nikki did, however. She had to give him that.

“Thank you for the apology. Was it for anything specific, or just like an overview…?” His lips quirked up in that smile he only used when he was teasing others. It was a little passive aggressive, sure, but MacKenzie deserved it.

“For using you. For flirting with you, even when you made it clear you weren’t interested. For stealing your phone… gosh, so many other reasons.”

His smile faltered a bit. “Um, thanks for the apology about the flirting bit. And the phone. But you were using me?”

She looked away. “It’s complicated. I was only flirting with you because I felt like I had to. Because everyone expected me to. But it wasn’t right, and I’m sorry.”

Brandon offered a small smile. “I know what that’s like. I’m a CCP, but I hang out with the dorks and geeks. I might’ve lost my status for it, if you hadn’t made it so obvious you liked me. But the difference between you and me, MacKenzie, is that I don’t care about being popular. You could’ve stopped crushing on me in an instant, and it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I probably would have been relieved.”

MacKenzie cringed. “I wasn’t.”

“You weren’t what?”

“Crushing on you. I don’t have a crush on you, I never did,” she divulged. “I like someone else.”

Brandon’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh. Wow. That’s not what I expected.”

That's what Nikki said too. Guess I’m a good actress. She made no comment, instead choosing to avert her eyes. Her leopard-print high heels became the most interesting things in the area.

“Well, I hope things work out for you,” he said kindly. Which was more than she deserved.

MacKenzie couldn’t help but chuckle. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew who I liked.”

Brandon frowned, his face filled with confusion. “Why not? Who do you like?”

“It’s…” she trailed off, sighing. “It’s complicated and confusing and stupid and it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“That’s a lot,” he replied, his voice never wavering. “Want to talk about it?”

“I just – I like someone I’m not supposed to. Someone you know. It could mess everything up for me.”

Brandon leaned against the wall. “Someone you’re not supposed to? Like a nerd?”

She pulled out peach lip gloss and applied a layer. “Something like that.”

“Is it Theodore? Or Marcus? Because apparently it’s not me.”

“No,” MacKenzie murmured. “They’re not a – no, I don’t. Neither one of them.”

She stared out at the blacktop, still holding the tube of lip gloss in her hand, but she didn’t miss the change in his face. She saw the moment his eyes lit up, when realization dawned. She didn’t think it possible, but when he asked his next question, it confirmed it for her.

“Do you… maybe like a girl?”

She snapped her head toward him, wondering how on earth he guessed it, but didn’t deny it. After being completely sure that no one was watching or listening, she met his gaze and nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

“That is complicated,” Brandon replied with ease. “Does she like you back?”

“I highly doubt it.”

“So, who is it?”

MacKenzie nearly choked. But somehow, the next words fell out of her mouth as quickly as a retort. “Your girlfriend.”

Brandon involuntarily laughed, clamping a hand over his mouth, his body shaking. MacKenzie couldn’t help but laugh, too. He was acting completely normal around her, like she hadn’t just come out to him or said her crush was on his straight girlfriend, and suddenly she felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“I can’t believe you’re being so okay about this. Even after you found out who I’m crushing on.”

Brandon shrugged, the grin still on his face. “I don’t know. I guess it kind of makes sense. You were scared and you lashed out at Nikki, right? I’ve done the same thing before. When my… my parents died.” The smile faded. “I yelled at my grandparents one night. I felt horrible about it, but I had all this pain inside and it wouldn’t go away. It’s not the same thing, but…”

“That’s it,” MacKenzie whispered. “That’s how I felt. Like I was drowning and I couldn’t even tell anyone.”

He gave her a sad smile. “Well.”

Brandon never finished his sentence. Or maybe that was the end. MacKenzie sighed. “Yeah.”

“I think you should be apologizing to Nikki.”

“I already did. She’s the one who made me come over here, actually. And I also told her about… my crush.”

“Really? That took guts. What did she say?”

MacKenzie shrugged. “That she had to leave. Things were really weird at first. I thought she hated me. But she still wants to be friends. She accepted the apology.”

Brandon smiled. “Yeah, I’m sure she did. What are you going to do about it all?”

“I don’t know. Hope the crush goes away. Besides, she’s straight,” MacKenzie replied.

Brandon raised an eyebrow, staring not at her, but at the soda swirling in his drink. “Is she?”

“…Isn’t she?”

He contemplated MacKenzie with an unfathomable expression. She blinked, wondering if Brandon knew something she didn’t. Or maybe he was just good at reading people.

They stood there in comfortable silence, leaning against the brick wall of the Queasy Cheesy building. Then Brandon walked back inside with a final wave and a “See you around.”

“See you around,” MacKenzie echoed.

“So? How did it go?” Nikki pried.

“I did apologize,” MacKenzie said, flipping the page of her English textbook. “And told him about the whole crush thing.”

Nikki seemed to tense up, ever-so-slightly. “Wait, you did? How did he take it?”

“Pretty well. Way better than you.”

She winced, but relaxed. She jumped up on the bed next to MacKenzie, peering over her shoulder at the book. “I thought our project was in Science.”

“No, we switched to English last week. Didn’t you hear?” MacKenzie joked. “Who says I can’t work on a different homework assignment for once?”

“Science is our thing!” Nikki said, pretending to be hurt. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”

When MacKenzie rolled her eyes, allowing herself a smile, Nikki added, “Seriously, though. I’m proud of you.”

Her grin grew wider.

“Mom’ll be here soon,” Nikki said, checking her phone.

“Next time you should let me drive you home. You’ll get to ride in a Ferrari instead of a roach,” MacKenzie smirked.

“Hey! Max the Roach has feelings, you know.” She leaned in close, whispering in MacKenzie’s ear. “But don’t tell him, and I’ll take you up on that offer.”

She expected the other girl to laugh, but MacKenzie’s body just froze while her head turned away, biting down hard on her lip, cheeks coloring red. She could see shame and longing twisted together on her face.

Nikki scooted back, putting more space between them, feeling strangely guilty.

Not my fault, she reminded herself. Not MacKenzie’s either.

She thought that seeing every time MacKenzie blushed at her would have been unnerving, especially since Nikki couldn’t reciprocate her feelings. It wasn’t. It wasn’t as big of a deal as she thought it was.

Now she wished MacKenzie would blush at her and smile and hold her gaze instead of turning away. Nikki liked the way her eyes sparkled like ice.

She had heard that little jab yesterday, after MacKenzie’s other lighthearted insults/compliments. You’re a girl. She knew MacKenzie had aimed it at herself, not Nikki. Guilting herself with barbed words.

She still wanted to tell MacKenzie that she was allowed to feel things. But sometimes gnarly roots of memories and repression run deep. She didn’t think that MacKenzie would believe her. She had to learn to unpack all of that stuff herself.

Nikki did think she was trying, though.

Trying was enough.

Being yourself was enough.

Chapter 11: You could stay for dinner if you wanted

Chapter Text

Nikki bounced on MacKenzie’s bed, jostling her. MacKenzie annoying ignored her, attempting to focus on the computer in front of her. She was right when she said the project would be a breeze. Most of the other kids in class hadn’t even started theirs yet, and MacKenzie and Nikki were almost finished.

The frustrating thing was that now MacKenzie was in the zone, and nothing was going to deter her from finishing that essay. Not even Nikki.

Which left her with nothing to do.

Of course, she could be working on her own essay, something MacKenzie “encouraged” (demanded) her to complete, but she didn’t have the motivation or energy to deal with it right now.

She did have the energy to hang out with MacKenzie. Maybe too much energy, because MacKenzie worked well in silence, while Nikki gave her the exact opposite of what she needed. She peered over MacKenzie’s shoulder and critiqued every few sentences, reminded her to mention the data they’d recorded, and gave suggestions as to how she could improve her introduction. It was very similar to the first day they’d worked on the project, only the roles were reversed. Nikki wasn’t the only one who noticed this.

“You’re acting like me.”

Nikki’s mouth fell open in mock surprise. “I would never!”

“Will you please stop butting your head in so I can work?”

Nikki quietly rested her head on the pillow next to MacKenzie’s laptop, letting strands of her hair brush against MacKenzie’s arm.

MacKenzie's eyes were intently focused on the screen, but her cheeks were red. It should have made Nikki uncomfortable – maybe it did a little bit, knowing she didn’t like MacKenzie back – but mostly she just felt like giggling. Knowing she had this affect on MacKenzie and she never even knew it before. Not that Nikki would ever take advantage of her feelings.

It was just that every time MacKenzie blushed, Nikki wanted to squee out loud. It was sometimes the way she felt around Brandon, staring at his shaggy dark hair and warm brown eyes. And yet, he was nothing like MacKenzie.

“Are you done yet?” Nikki asked for maybe the fifth time.

MacKenzie snapped her laptop shut. “Okay! Fine! You have my attention!”

“I thought you wanted to finish your essay.”

Her lips quirked up. “I just did. Have you?”

Nikki mumbled an excuse and sat up, grabbing her own laptop from out of her bag. The least she could do was write down one sentence. To say she did something, anything at all.

“Oh, so now you’re going to work?” MacKenzie jumped up.

“Where are you going?”

“Downstairs. Because apparently I’m too distracting for you.”

Despite Nikki’s insistence that she stay, MacKenzie left the room and shut the door behind her. Just great. Now Nikki had no choice but to work.

One grueling hour later, in which Nikki had only written three paragraphs, MacKenzie popped her head back in with a bag of gummy bears in hand.

“I brought fuel!”

She hit Save and then half-closed the laptop. “You’re a lifesaver, Mac.”

She caught the bag MacKenzie tossed at her and dug her hand in, pulling out a handful of multicolored gummy bears. MacKenzie dropped her phone on the bed and pulled Nikki’s laptop all the way open.

“What are you doing?”

“You should really fix the intro, Nikki, it’s probably not up to Mr. Thomas’s standards. Or mine,” MacKenzie said sarcastically.

Nikki rolled her eyes. She should’ve known MacKenzie would give her a taste of her own medicine.

MacKenzie’s phone lit up, catching Nikki’s eye. It had been in the middle of a song. She picked up her phone and pressed Play.

Dork, nerd, geek, freak

Is all you see

But just back off

And let me be me

MacKenzie frantically yanked the phone out of Nikki’s hands and turned it off, but the damage had been done.

“Were you listening to my song?” Nikki laughed.

MacKenzie blushed and gritted her teeth. “I can’t help it if it’s catchy and relatable, okay?”

Nikki shook her head in amazement. “…Huh.”

“What?”

“It’s just, I didn’t think our song was the type of coming-out song people listened to. It wasn’t intentionally written that way.”

MacKenzie smiled at her. “Still works.”

Nikki popped another gummy bear into her mouth. She probably had to leave soon, but she didn’t want to. Lately she had been finding excuses and reasons to stay at MacKenzie’s house longer and longer.

This time, MacKenzie provided the excuse for her.

“You could stay for dinner if you wanted,” she offered. “We’ll probably just order pizza.”

“Pizza sounds good,” Nikki agreed. "Sure, I’ll stay. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“It’s definitely not. If we can make it to the TV before Amanda turns on Moana, we might even be able to watch what we want.”

She slid off the bed and made a break for the door, Nikki dashing behind. She nearly ran into MacKenzie’s back when she stopped suddenly, her knuckles turning white on the railing. She looked at MacKenzie’s face and followed her gaze to the door, where a man in a gray business suit was hanging up keys on a hook. She recognized him from TV mostly. She hadn’t actually seen MacKenzie and him interacting together, though. He was her dad, Marshall Hollister.

MacKenzie silently grabbed Nikki’s hand and pulled her back to her room.

“What’s wrong?”

“Dad’s home. He didn’t call.”

“He came home to surprise you?”

She felt uneasy. “I guess. Mom’ll probably be back early too, then.”

“Should we cancel on the dinner? I mean, you probably wanna spend time with them now.”

MacKenzie barely heard her. “I didn’t know he’d be home. We literally never eat together, except on rare occasions when Dad is back from his trips. Sometimes not even then.”

“Where’s your mom when he’s gone?” Nikki asked.

MacKenzie didn’t want to say what she was thinking. Or that she’d noticed the way her mom ogled other men when Dad was away. Her smile always looked sharkish.

“You know how you always tell me whatever I say here is supposed to be confidential?”

Dr. Hadley pushed his glasses up his nose. “Unless you’re hurting yourself or someone else.”

“Does cheating count as hurting? Cause I think that’s what Mom’s doing.”

He made a note in his book. She wanted to steal it from him, read what he had written.

MacKenzie didn’t answer Nikki’s question. She just looked at her and quietly said, “Maybe you should go home after all.”

Nikki frowned. “You don’t want me meeting your parents?”

“It’s not that, it’s just….”

MacKenzie used to be elated when Dad came home. Until she grew up and learned that just because he was in the same room as her, didn’t mean he was ever with her. He was miles away on a business call, or arguing with his lawyer, or distracted by his computer.

“MacKenzie? Who’s this?”

She spun around to face her mom.

“Mom, this is my friend, Nikki,” MacKenzie introduced.

Nikki gave a little wave. MacKenzie’s mother narrowed her eyes. Nikki suddenly had a vivid memory of reading MacKenzie’s diary entry in which she had told her parents that Nikki was a bully.

“Were you planning on eating here? I heard you and my daughter talking.”

“She was just leaving,” MacKenzie said quickly.

“Nonsense! You can stay for dinner. I’ll have Carson make sushi.”

But pizza….

Nikki was led down the winding staircase by MacKenzie Hollister’s mom, a supermodel in a red dress. MacKenzie trailed behind, unusually quiet.

When Nikki reached the bottom, she looked back up the stairs, finding Amanda sitting on the top step. Amanda had been peering between the bars of the railing, but when she and Nikki met eyes, she jumped up and ran down the rest of the stairs. Nikki was afraid she might fall or trip a couple times, but Amanda probably dashed down these stairs daily. She safely reached the bottom.

“Hi, Mommy! Is Daddy home?”

Their mom didn’t respond at first, busily checking her phone and mumbling something under her breath.

“He’s probably in the study,” MacKenzie answered for her.

Amanda almost raced to the study, but before she got three feet away, MacKenzie grabbed her arm. “You’ll see Dad at dinner. Don’t bother him now.”

MacKenzie led Nikki to a nice dining room that they hadn’t actually spent much time in. She had once given Nikki a tour of the house, but the room they spent the most time in was her bedroom.

She sat next to MacKenzie, finding that a place was already set for her. Amanda slid in the seat across from MacKenzie, impatiently digging in. MacKenzie picked at her food. Nikki wasn’t sure whether to eat or wait. Her mom sat down a few minutes later, still on her phone.

It was at least another ten minutes before her dad showed up. He was on a call and hadn’t even noticed Nikki yet.

MacKenzie’s mom cleared her throat. “We have a guest, Marshall.”

“I’ll call you back,” Marshall Hollister said, hanging up the phone and putting it in his pocket.

His eyes settled on Nikki. “My apologies. Work has been very busy, as you can see. What is your name?”

“Nikki, she replied, trying to remember all the formalities she was supposed to say when greeting a rich, important adult. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you as well.”

The dinner was fancy, but tense. MacKenzie’s parents were polite, but distant.

They had perfectly white teeth, nice clothes, and a charming demeanor. Her mom wore a pearl necklace and diamond earrings and a golden wedding ring. Her dad wore a business suit, even at the dinner table. Nikki’s dad usually took his work clothes off before eating – but then again, his work clothes consisted of spray bottles, a rumpled, stained, pest-control jumpsuit, and sometimes a gas mask.

Nikki was starting to see where MacKenzie learned to effortlessly flaunt her wealth and beauty. She felt kind of small in this large house, with its expensive flat-screen TVs and long dining tables and glittering chandeliers.

Even the bedroom MacKenzie and Nikki hid away in had a spacious walk-in closet. The bed had pink drapes, the kind of bed that usually belonged to a princess. There was a windowsill to sit on, overlooking the whole neighborhood, where other houses almost as big and fancy as MacKenzie's lined the streets.

MacKenzie’s mother was too absorbed in her phone to pay attention to their guest, but her father engaged Nikki and asked questions. He seemed nice enough, and so did her mom, even if they were a bit stuck-up.

“So, how are things going at school, Nikki? Working hard or hardly working?” he joked good-naturedly.

She didn’t know if there was a right answer or not. MacKenzie wasn’t much help. She was rigid, barely speaking a word. Her gaze flitted from Nikki to her dad to her mom, as if she was afraid one of them might snap. Her behavior set Nikki on edge, but she didn’t know what could go so wrong. Her parents seemed perfectly polite. And nothing like her own disaster of a family.

“School’s good,” she replied carefully.

“They spend hours in MacKenzie’s room working on school, you know,” Mrs. Hollister said.

Yeah, right. We’re only on topic half the time. MacKenzie ducked her head and blushed. Nikki nodded and smiled.

“Yeah, we were paired up as partners in Science class. There’s this big project we have to do,” MacKenzie said.

Mr. Hollister nodded, but seemed mostly disinterested. MacKenzie’s eyes flicked up to him, but when he made a comment along the lines of “That’s nice” and moved on, she stared down at her food again.

Mr. Hollister made her feel at ease with light jokes and polite conversation. She realized where MacKenzie got her charm.

Nikki mentioned that she and MacKenzie didn’t used to be on the best of terms. MacKenzie kicked her under the table and subtly shook her head.

“Yeah, you know, that was way back when we first met, but we’re close friends now!”

To MacKenzie, she whispered under her breath: “I thought they already knew you used to bully me?”

“No, they knew you used to bully me,” she murmured back. “Trust me, just don’t bring it up. He’s being nice to you, so he either forgot or he’s being polite or he just doesn’t care anymore. It could go either way, honestly.”

“Okay, I won’t,” she mumbled.

Someone – maybe Mr. Hollister, maybe Mrs. Hollister or their chef Carson or someone else – had been watching TV earlier, and the news was mostly treated as background noise until now. Now, they were talking about riots and a queer kid who had been abused at school in New York City.

Her mom sneered at the TV. “Turn that off. It’s immoral.”

Immoral.

Nikki raised her eyebrows at MacKenzie, who calmly stared down at her plate and pretended like everything was fine. Her face was a mask, keeping all of her thoughts carefully locked away behind those calculating blue eyes.

When Mr. Hollister muttered something not-very-nice about those kinds of people, the fork slipped out of MacKenzie’s grasp and clattered on her plate. She quickly picked it up.

A maid turned the TV off. They didn’t talk much after that.

It took her a while to realize that MacKenzie’s parents talked to Nikki with ease, but they had barely said a word to MacKenzie. They only acknowledged Amanda when she said: “Mom? Mom? Hey, Mom? Mommy? Mommy? M—”

“Yes, Amanda?” Mrs. Hollister said through a forced smile.

“We made art paintings in school today!”

“That’s nice, Amanda.”

Her face fell. Nikki almost asked Amanda to show her the painting later. She almost asked her how her day was, or whether she wanted to play after dinner. Almost. Amanda wasn’t her little sister.

“Hey, Amanda?” MacKenzie whispered.

Amanda looked up.

“Want to color picture books in my room with me tonight? I could use the company.”

Amanda’s face lit up once more. MacKenzie had it covered.

Finally, that awkward dinner was over. Mr. Hollister left as soon as he was done and called his client back. Mrs. Hollister went back to her room without even finishing her plate.

MacKenzie and Nikki went up to her room. MacKenzie promised Amanda that she could come in and color soon, but she wanted to talk to her friend right now.

“You know what I said a few days ago? I take it back. My family is embarrassing.” She rubbed her face and closed her bedroom door. Nikki was no longer in the mood to watch a movie with MacKenzie.

“Your parents don’t know about… your situation, do they?”

“Absolutely not.”

“If they ever found out—”

“They’d kill me,” MacKenzie replied matter-of-factly.

Nikki knew she didn’t mean it literally. She also knew that MacKenzie was being deadly serious.

“Sorry about them. Dad doesn’t come over much.” She bit her lip and twisted open a tube of lip gloss, then screwed it shut again. “It always ends in disaster.”

“That didn’t seem so disastrous to me. If it were my family, Mom would have burned the food, Daisy would have jumped on the table, Brianna would have thrown a tantrum about something, and Dad would have been trying to put the fire out,” Nikki joked.

MacKenzie didn’t laugh.

“You know, when I read your diary – I mean, my diary, when you took it and wrote in it – I thought your parents got along. They seemed fine at the dinner tonight.”

“You mean the part of the diary where I bugged Dad about letting me transfer to NHH? They were only fine with each other because they weren’t talking. It’s easy to ignore people when you have distractions.”

Nikki remembered all the times she hung out with Brandon to forget MacKenzie. She really wasn’t wrong.

“Dinner’s over. Do you want to stay? Or leave?”

Stay.

“I should probably get back. But, um, thanks for dinner,” she said halfheartedly.

“Nikki?”

“Yeah?”

MacKenzie bit her lip. If she was nervous and she didn’t have lip gloss nearby, she’d bite her lip instead, Nikki noticed.

“You know the Fall Carnival that’s opening up right outside the city?”

Nikki nodded.

“Would you like to go with me on Friday?”

She broke out into a smile. “I’d love to, Mac.”

She rode home in her mom’s van. She regretted not asking MacKenzie to drive her back. They would have had more time to talk. Nikki would have been able to soak up every minute with MacKenzie Hollister. The thought just hadn’t occurred to her in the moment.

But that was okay. She’d see her during school, and also on Friday evening. Nikki, staring out the window of her mom’s van, grinned at the thought of spending the whole night with MacKenzie at a carnival. She didn’t know why her stomach felt like it was dropping out of her. She usually only got RCS (Roller Coaster Syndrome) when she was with Brandon.

She chalked it up to excitement.

Chapter 12: Best day ever

Chapter Text

Brandon and Nikki were walking around the park, her hand in his. It wasn’t exactly a date date, but close enough.

Nikki watched a couple of geese chase each other around a tree. Brandon pulled her back to the moment with his sudden question.

“Do you wanna go to the carnival with me this Friday?” Brandon asked hopefully. “I know Friday nights is your thing with MacKenzie, but it’s only open for the weekend, and I can’t go Saturday or Sunday. We have pet adoptions planned all day Saturday, and it’s my grandma’s birthday on Sunday, and she wants me there with her.”

Nikki was taken aback. It was a sweet offer, but—

“Oh… I already promised MacKenzie I’d go with her.”

She considered inviting him too, but didn’t want to deal with the awkward tension of Brandon and MacKenzie fighting for her attention. That happened sometimes during school. She wanted to tell them to stop acting like toddlers, but if she did, Brandon would just sulk quietly and MacKenzie would make underhanded remarks about him. It was Brandon and Andre all over again.

It was better to stick to her promise. Nikki disregarded the trill of excitement she felt when thinking about spending time with MacKenzie, just MacKenzie, at the carnival.

Brandon’s face fell. She felt guilty about that.

“Next time!” Nikki exclaimed. “Next time you want to take me somewhere, I’ll go with you. Or how about tonight, even? We could go to the movies.”

Brandon gave her a sad smile. “That’s okay, Nikki. You don’t have to do that for me. We’ll just see each other at Fuzzy Friends tomorrow like usual, right?”

“Yeah,” Nikki agreed. Brandon didn’t seem to hurt. That was good.

She didn’t intentionally forget to go to Fuzzy Friends. It was only that MacKenzie had texted her because Amanda wanted a playdate with Brianna. She thought Nikki could bring her sister over tomorrow.

Nikki did take Brianna to the Hollister house the next day, leaving Brandon behind.

On the evening of the carnival day, the sun was still shining brightly. It was only early October, so at least it wasn’t nighttime by the time seven o’ clock rolled around.

Nikki spent an hour fussing over what to wear, eventually settling on a flowery skirt and a pretty blue shirt her mom had bought and made her promise to wear only on special occasions.

“You look nice. Going on a date with Brandon?” her mom remarked.

Nikki flushed and dodged the question. Can’t a girl just dress up nice to look pretty for her friend? Regardless, she let her mom think that Brandon was meeting them at the carnival. She didn’t know how to explain to her mom that she was dressed like this simply because MacKenzie was going to see her, and Nikki wanted to look good for her. Moms just didn't understand that kind of stuff.

Her mom dropped her off at MacKenzie’s house. They were taking her car to the carnival.

Nikki was clearly eager to take a ride in MacKenzie’s shiny new red Ferrari. MacKenzie watched her admire all the buttons, beg to have the roof lowered, and ask if she could just ride in her car all the time instead of taking her mom's van or the Roachmobile, all before MacKenzie even put her foot on the gas pedal.

MacKenzie turned on the radio and they sang along to dumb pop songs. At one point, Nikki’s band’s song played on the radio.

“No way!” Nikki turned up the volume.

They sang every lyric.

MacKenzie parked in the section closest to the carnival. She had paid for VIP parking.

The sun was just beginning to dip behind the trees when they arrived. Sunlight filtered through the window and lit up Nikki’s face in golden rays. MacKenzie kept herself from staring.

Not a date, she cautioned herself.

Nikki grinned at her from the passenger’s side. “Let’s go!”

MacKenzie opened the car door and stepped out into the concrete. It was a warm day, still bright enough that streetlights hadn’t come on yet. Perfect for an evening at the carnival.

MacKenzie and Nikki trudged down the parking lot, though they didn’t have to walk too far. She was already glad that she hadn’t worn heels, opting for more expendable shoes that were easier to walk around in for long periods of time.

At the ticket concession, MacKenzie bought two of the most expensive tickets while Nikki tried to deter her.

“You don’t have to—”

“Oh, come on. What’s the good of having money if you can’t spend it?”

Nikki still looked guilty, so MacKenzie said, “Look, I was going to buy these anyway if I went with Amanda.”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you,” she admitted.

“Please, take advantage of your very rich friend, so we can ride all the rides and play all the games,” MacKenzie smirked. “Besides, I already bought them. Isn’t it rude to refuse a gift?”

Nikki finally relented, taking the ticket set MacKenzie handed to her.

“Now. What do you want to do first?”

Nikki led her to the carnival booths, where they played a bunch of rigged games. There was a game where you could toss a ring around a bottle and win a cheap prize, but MacKenzie was pretty sure the rings were too small to even fit over the bottle cap anyway. She didn’t want to spoil Nikki’s fun, though, or make Nikki feel worse for taking her money, so she didn’t say anything.

They did a cake walk, failed spectacularly at Cornhole, made a guess on how many jelly beans were in a jar at a guessing booth, and then Nikki excitedly pulled MacKenzie toward a balloon dart stall. The prizes there were of the stuffed animal variety. The biggest three were a cat plushie, a rabbit plushie, and a duck plushie.

“Maybe this’ll be the time we actually win something,” Nikki said.

MacKenzie didn’t believe that, but she didn’t know how you could rig a balloon dart game, so she allowed herself a sliver of hope.

Turns out the game wasn’t rigged; most people just sucked at darts, Nikki included. She was given three darts. The first one missed the board entirely, sailing right over it. The next one did hit the board, but nowhere near any balloons. She was practically cheated out of her third try – her last dart embedded itself right next to a balloon. Unfortunately, it never poked the balloon, and it didn’t pop.

Like a stereotype, MacKenzie silently vowed to win a giant plush toy for Nikki. Apparently the smaller the balloons were, the harder they were to hit, and so that’s where the big prizes were.

On her second try, MacKenzie aimed precisely and then let go of the dart, watching it sail toward its target. A tiny blue balloon popped.

“Sweet!” Nikki exclaimed.

The stall owner handed MacKenzie the giant yellow duck plushie she pointed at, who in turn handed it to Nikki. Nikki squeezed it to her chest.

“I shall name you Duckie, my new favorite plush toy!”

MacKenzie giggled. Nikki looped her free arm around MacKenzie’s elbow, her other arm clutching the Duckie plushie.

“Where to next, Mac?”

She spied a food vendor. “Funnel cakes?”

“You mean the food from heaven? Definitely.”

They ordered one and sat down on a bench and people-watched. The sun had officially set, though it wasn’t dark yet. At some point while they were buying food, all the booths’ lights had been turned on. Nikki poked her fork into the funnel cake and took a bite.

“Does it taste like heaven?”

“Mhmm,” she mumbled with a mouthful of food.

They had barely finished the funnel cake when another attraction caught Nikki’s eye: a building with flaps instead of a door, and a lit-up, bright pink neon sign that read MIRROR MAZE, advertising the attraction for all to see.

“We have to do the mirror maze!”

MacKenzie remembered the labyrinth of bones in Paris that she had mistaken for a pop-up store. Her gut churned, but a mirror maze was nowhere near the same thing as that. Nikki must have sensed her hesitation.

“What? Scared of getting lost?” she joked.

“Maybe a little,” MacKenzie reluctantly admitted.

“Don’t worry. I’ll hold your hand.”

MacKenzie looked at her, but there wasn’t a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Her face was honest, her eyes genuine.

They ducked through the canvas, entering a dark hallway. Fingers interlocked so they wouldn’t get separated.

They rounded the corner, where light could be seen again, emitted from dangling fluorescent bulbs. Both girls stopped in their tracks.

MacKenzie looked to the right and saw a thousand reflections staring back at her. A version of herself she could never be: happy, startled, holding hands with another girl. Nikki met her eyes through that same reflection.

She almost let go, but that would have defeated the entire purpose. It was easy to get lost in a place like this.

Besides. They made it out of the first maze in Paris by holding hands. They would make it out of this one too.

MacKenzie allowed Nikki to lead her out, much like last time. Walking instead of running. Hitting many dead ends. Their reflections – a blonde girl wearing too much makeup, a brunette girl wearing none at all, and a giant yellow duck with soulless marble eyes – trailed them everywhere they went. MacKenzie had the sense of being watched, even though those mirror images were no more alive than Duckie was.

It helped to steady one hand on the glass, letting her fingers trail it like a wall. At least that way she wouldn’t accidentally run into the mirror.

Finally, MacKenzie spotted a dapple of natural light across the floor at the end of one hallway and smelled roses. “Look!”

They rounded the corner and found themselves at the exit.

Free once again.

Nikki dropped MacKenzie’s hand; she already missed the warmth of her palm. MacKenzie followed her down the steps and out into the open plaza.

Oncoming clouds began to blot out the stars, barely visible, and the moon, which had been shining brightly in the night sky. Shadows fell across Nikki’s face.

When the first raindrop fell, MacKenzie was buying a pair of earrings at a handcrafted jewelry stall. Nikki was trying on a bracelet.

It was only sprinkling, so next they tried a ride that spun them through the air.

It wasn’t long before the sprinkles turned into showers, and soon both girls were drenched in rain.

“Ack!” MacKenzie ducked under a pavilion a few feet away, where a couple of others were gathering for shelter from the miniature storm. It was slightly better than being out in the open, but not by much; wind still blew the rain sideways onto her, dousing her clothes and wetting her hair. She was glad she had worn waterproof makeup today by chance.

Nikki remained standing under the rainfall. She held out fingers to catch water from the sky.

Nikki smirked at MacKenzie’s dumbfounded face.

“What, don’t tell me you’ve never played in the rain before?”

MacKenzie just stared at Nikki with bewilderment in her eyes, as if saying, Of course I’ve never played in the rain. You’re telling me people do that?

Nikki grinned, then suddenly jumped in a puddle. Right in front of MacKenzie.

She quickly recoiled. That old sneer surfaced on her face. “Ugh, Nikki! You ruined my—”

The words died on her lips as soon as they came. She was already soaked in rain. The splash had changed nothing.

MacKenzie raised her eyes to meet Nikki’s. There was a small smile on Nikki’s face, as if she was enjoying this.

Without thinking of the consequences – surely her mother would have screamed at her for such juvenile behavior – MacKenzie leaped forward and landed her brand-new shoes in a puddle, showering Nikki with water. Poor Duckie was soaked to the stuffing.

“Eek!” Nikki flinched, but when she looked back at MacKenzie’s joyous grin, she only smiled instead of yelling.

“Now you’re getting the hang of it!”

MacKenzie wanted to kiss her, right out here in the pouring rain. Traces of water droplets trailed down Nikki’s face, and her lips, they were upturned in a brilliant smile. Did she know that her smile was as bright as any sun, to MacKenzie? Probably not.

She wanted to kiss her. Of course she couldn’t. Of course she didn’t.

But she thought about it.

They huddled inside a building for warmth afterward.

“I know that look, MacKenzie. What’s wrong?”

MacKenzie just shook her head. She had been distancing herself from Nikki since the moment they’d started to dry off. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You won’t even look at me.”

“Nikki. Drop it.” Her voice came out cold and clipped.

Nikki looked at her in surprise but closed her mouth.

She sighed. “I’m sorry. It really is nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, looking elsewhere. Her eyes alighted on something out in the distance. “Ooh, can we do that?”

“Do what?”

“The Ferris Wheel!”

MacKenzie got up and walked to the window near the entrance, where Nikki was standing. Sure enough, the Ferris Wheel was now lit up against the night sky, spinning in a lazy circle.

“The seats are probably super wet by now. Besides, the rain hasn’t even let up.”

Mist sprayed her every time the door opened and someone walked in, but the sudden downpour seemed to be receding as quickly as it came, proving her words wrong. A few more minutes, and it would only be sprinkling again.

“But okay. We’ll do it. Can we please just wait a little bit first, though? I’m not dry yet.”

Nikki handed her the large duck plushie. “I don’t have a towel, but will Duckie suffice?”

She accepted the plushie and hugged it to her chest, letting its fur soak in the water dripping off her clothes and down her arms. Duckie was still very wet, but less so than MacKenzie, so it did indeed help. He worked pretty well as a towel.

She handed Duckie back to Nikki. Their fingers brushed briefly. MacKenzie’s expression flickered.

“You want to talk about it?” Nikki whispered, playful demeanor gone.

“…It’s nothing.”

This time Nikki didn’t push.

They headed over to the Ferris Wheel, Nikki filling the air with idle chatter until MacKenzie eased up. The path was muddy (she would likely never wear these shoes again), but the air was fresh and clear. The clouds hadn’t departed yet, but the rain had completely stopped.

Using up the last of their tickets, MacKenzie and Nikki boarded an empty cart on the Ferris Wheel. The cart shifted, and then they were moving, slowly climbing into the sky. Duckie was placed in MacKenzie’s lap for the time being. Nikki peered over the edge, gripping the sides, watching as the trees and booths and buildings shrank beneath them. MacKenzie only watched her.

Nikki’s face was barely visible in the glow of the twinkling lights on the edge of the cart. The golden lights reflected in her eyes.

Then those eyes met her own, and MacKenzie looked away.

Had it really been a good idea to ride in a cramped Ferris Wheel cart with only Nikki for company, secluded from the world for a few minutes?

She brushed away her thoughts and stared out at all the buildings so far below. The whole area looked like a miniature city model from up here. The people were ants.

Nikki nudged her. “Hey.”

MacKenzie turned her gaze back to Nikki. It wasn’t hard. She was like a beacon compared to every other distraction.

“Best day ever,” Nikki said. Her smile lit up the night, brighter than the brightest star.

They walked to MacKenzie’s car in comfortable silence.

“Hey,” Nikki said. “I had a really great time today.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m really—I’m really happy you’re my friend,” she continued, stumbling over her words.

Friend. MacKenzie’s smile froze in place.

Nikki took her hand. There was something deep and intense and earnest in her eyes. “I mean it.”

Oh. She was being sincere. MacKenzie relaxed and squeezed her hand. Being friends was enough, wasn’t it? It was better than enemies.

It was enough. It had to be.

It was nearly midnight when MacKenzie dropped Nikki off at her house, giggling and bantering and drunk on nothing but fun.

“Night, Nikki,” MacKenzie called from the driver’s seat.

“See you next Friday, Mac,” Nikki said, waving goodbye.

“Wait! What if you didn’t?” MacKenzie blurted, getting out of her car and standing at the end of the driveway. An idea was churning in her head.

“What do you mean?” she asked, walking back over.

“I was wondering if, um, you wanted to have a sleepover with me tomorrow night?”

“A sleepover?” Nikki grinned. “Yeah, that sounds awesome. Okay, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” MacKenzie echoed, watching Nikki walk up her driveway.

She went back to her car, turned the key, and drove away with a beaming smile on her face.

Chapter 13: Cinnamon

Chapter Text

Spending the day with MacKenzie yesterday, Nikki had never felt more alive. She didn’t expect MacKenzie to invite her over for a sleepover, but she was more than happy to take her up on the offer.

It felt like things were changing. MacKenzie and her had grown closer over the past few weeks. They were actually friends now, something Nikki would have thought impossible just a year ago.

Chloe and Zoey were even frustrated with her because she wanted to spend all her time with MacKenzie. They didn’t seem to believe that she planned on betraying Nikki anymore, but they still disliked her. Nikki understood why, but she still wished her friends would just give MacKenzie a chance.

Brandon, on the other hand, hadn’t said much at all. He forgave her when she forgot about their plans and stopped what he was doing to talk to her whenever she called.

Dimly Nikki knew that she was pushing him to the side, not to mention her other friends as well; but she wanted to catch up on lost time with MacKenzie. Things were different between them now. She liked the way things were now. She wanted more of it.

On Saturday evening, Nikki showed up on MacKenzie’s front door with a bag tucked under her arm and that sunny smile on her face.

“Come in! We have cheese pizza and soda and the whole house to ourselves. Dad’s on another trip and Mom’s… away.”

Nikki settled on the couch next to her. MacKenzie twisted open a co*ke bottle, listening to the air hiss in reply, careful not to let it spill over.

“Where’s Amanda?”

“Upstairs in her room.”

MacKenzie had barely finished her sentence when Amanda came barreling in out of nowhere and jumped between them, wearing pink footie pajamas and holding a Princess Sugar Plum doll. She nearly knocked the co*ke out of MacKenzie’s hand and accidentally kicked Nikki in the side.

“I wanna watch! What are we watching? Is that pizza?”

MacKenzie sighed. “Never mind.”

Amanda quickly snatched the remote before MacKenzie could even reach for it.

“So, what are we watching?” she repeated with that cute smile that inevitably let her get away with everything. MacKenzie knew Amanda was just going to force them to pick one of her own favorite movies. Evidently, Nikki realized this as well.

“She’s hijacking our sleepover,” Nikki laughed.

“Yeah, well, we’ll let her watch one movie with us and then she has to go to bed. Right, Amanda?”

Amanda nodded innocently, probably plotting how to stay up through three movies instead.

Nikki sifted through the pile in the movie disc container MacKenzie had brought out, looking for one age-appropriate for a seven-year-old.

Of course Amanda chose Frozen, the one she had watched the most times. MacKenzie wondered if Brianna had ever subjected Nikki to the torment of watching that stupid Disney movie on repeat.

Nikki sighed through her nose, plastering an upbeat smile on her face. “Oh, yay! Frozen!”

Her voice could not have sounded more strained. MacKenzie guessed “yes”.

“Guess we’re watching Frozen tonight,” MacKenzie said, aiming a smirk in Nikki’s direction.

Amanda excitedly jumped up and down on the couch while MacKenzie got the movie ready. She wondered if someone had given Amanda sugar (Amanda hadn't yet touched the pizza or soda, too excited about the movie), and who it was, and if she was allowed to throttle that person.

Amanda felt it necessary to sing along to every single song, despite possibly being tone-deaf. MacKenzie wanted to slam a pillow over her ears. Nikki, on the other hand, sang along with Amanda. Her beautiful voice counterbalanced Amanda’s painful one. Nikki was probably the only reason she hadn’t turned off the TV and ordered her sister to bed. She made this bearable.

Amanda belted out the lyrics to Let It Go at the top of her lungs, and MacKenzie knew that song would be stuck in her head for the rest of the night.

“Amanda, you are single-handedly keeping the neighbors up,” she said.

Amanda, taking a respite from her horrible singing, stuck her tongue out at MacKenzie while Nikki snickered behind her mouth.

“Eyes on the screen, or you might miss part of the movie that you’ve seen ten times,” she said sardonically.

That caught Amanda’s attention, and she sat quietly and raptly, staring at the scene where Anna, already cold from the snow, fell into a creek and froze her dress entirely.

MacKenzie’s only other hope was that Amanda’s sugar high would crash by the time the movie was over, and then she wouldn’t even want to stay up late, she’d be too tired.

MacKenzie knew her sister. Her prediction was right. Before long, Amanda was nestled against MacKenzie, eyes closed and breathing soft.

“Knew she wouldn’t make it through the whole movie,” MacKenzie whispered.

They were at the ending scene, but she lowered the volume and gently picked up her little sister, carrying Amanda up to her room and laying her down in her bed. She tucked her in, surrounded by stuffed animals and creepy baby dolls.

Nikki was waiting in the hall for MacKenzie when she turned on the night-light and quietly shut the door.

“Follow me,” MacKenzie said in a whisper, leading Nikki down the hall, to her own bedroom. “Now we have the house to ourselves.”

Neither one of them had changed into pajamas yet. MacKenzie had wiped off her makeup long ago (she still wore it sometimes, even when Nikki visited. She did promise Nikki that she wasn’t wearing it to hide behind a smile like she used to. She just liked to look pretty sometimes. Nikki certainly never minded).

Besides, old habits die hard.

MacKenzie applied a layer of lip gloss, smirking at Nikki with her red lips. “You want to try some?”

Nikki flushed deeply, almost stammering out a very unorthodox reply, before watching her gesture to unused and unopened bottles of lip gloss.

“I think it’s more your thing,” she replied, admiring the way the gloss almost sparkled in the soft glow of MacKenzie’s bedside lamp and drew attention to her pretty scarlet lips.

Strawberry? Cherry? Watermelon? She was dying to know what type of lip gloss MacKenzie had used tonight. Normally she wrote something like that down in her diary, but she didn’t have access to that until tomorrow morning.

“So,” MacKenzie said, pulling up a list of Horror films on her laptop, “which movie do you actually want to watch?”

MacKenzie and Nikki were curled up on the bed, watching Annabelle by the light of MacKenzie’s computer screen. They were both on edge, hands clasped together.

MacKenzie tried to focus on the movie instead of the butterflies.

Then a scratching sound echoed from the door. Nikki tensed beside MacKenzie. “What was that?”

MacKenzie bit her lip to keep from laughing, applied another layer of lip gloss under Nikki’s piercing gaze, and stood up from the bed.

“What are you doing?” Nikki hissed.

“Seeing what the noise was,” she replied.

MacKenzie tiptoed over to the door, building up suspense. Nikki was terrified, but MacKenzie knew exactly who it was. She grabbed the handle and turned it.

Sitting on the floor outside of her bedroom, wagging her tail, was Fifi, MacKenzie’s poodle.

Over the past year, when she lay awake at night, staring at her ceiling and sometimes crying just for being different, Fifi would come in and jump on her bed. She was a patient dog, allowing MacKenzie to hug her for minutes at a time and sob into her fur.

Even with the sleepover, their routine hadn’t changed. Fifi darted between MacKenzie’s legs and bounded onto the bed. Nikki yelped at first, then laughed, figuring out that Fifi was not the horrible monster she had been expecting.

MacKenzie climbed back on the bed, where Fifi was sniffing Nikki curiously.

“You stole her spot, Nikki,” she laughed.

Nikki scratched Fifi behind the ears. “Sorry, doggy.”

“Her name’s Fifi,” she supplied.

“Sorry, Fifi,” Nikki said.

Fifi forgave Nikki by licking her cheek.

“Ah, gross!” She went to the bathroom to wash her face while MacKenzie jokingly scolded Fifi.

When she came back, they had reached a compromise – Fifi was content to settle near the edge of the bed, watching the two girls curiously while wagging her tail and resting her face on her paws. Nikki slid back into her position as MacKenzie handed the laptop over to her. She pressed Play and they began to finish the movie.

“I am not going to be able to sleep tonight,” Nikki said with a shudder.

“She’s just a fictional doll from a fictional movie. She can’t hurt you,” MacKenzie said wryly.

Nikki shot her a mock glare. “Um, you’re not the one living with a giant duck doll in your room, are you?”

“My sweet Duckie would never harm a fly,” she jested. “Besides, if Amanda can sleep in a room with a dozen dolls that look just like Annabelle, we should be safe. Not to mention, we have a guard dog.”

Fifi opened one eye, yawned, and closed it, clearly unaware of anything that was going on.

“Your guard dog is so impressive,” Nikki said sarcastically.

MacKenzie smacked her with a pillow. “Fifi will defend us with her life!”

Nikki attempted to smack MacKenzie back, but the pillow bounced off of her and hit the poodle on her side.

Fifi, unhappy and disgruntled, jumped off the bed and pawed at the door. MacKenzie got up to let her out.

The next pillow hit MacKenzie on the back. “Hey!”

This would not stand. She picked up the pillow on the ground to fend off Nikki’s next attack.

“So much for Fifi’s fearlessness!”

“Ssh!” MacKenzie whispered, giggling. “We don’t want to wake up Amanda.”

Nikki silently retaliated by cornering MacKenzie back to the bed. The Great Pillow War was not over yet. MacKenzie leaped back on the bed and so did Nikki. They were smart enough to stay on their knees, so if they fell it wouldn’t make a loud thumping noise and echo through the house.

Nikki pushed a pillow against MacKenzie’s stomach and came crashing down on top of her.

“I win,” Nikki preened.

MacKenzie was laughing, lying on the bed, the pillow on her chest forgotten.

When she opened her eyes, Nikki was looking down at her with this sweet little smile on her face.

MacKenzie smiled back, and then she realized just how far apart they were. Not very. Nikki’s face was only a few inches away. MacKenzie swallowed. Her eyes darted down to Nikki’s lips.

Nikki most definitely saw it.

MacKenzie’s eyes flicked to her lips. Nikki didn’t miss it. They were so close, she could feel MacKenzie’s breath on her face, tickling her cheeks. Nikki saw the panic in MacKenzie’s startling blue eyes when she looked back up.

She was having a severe case of RCS (Roller Coaster Syndrome) right now. It felt like her stomach had dropped out of her. Her heart was beating a mile a minute.

Nikki’s eyes drifted down to MacKenzie’s lips, still glossed red. She wondered what flavor it was, what it felt like.

She wanted to taste that lip gloss.

So she did.

It was Nikki who moved first. Nikki who leaned forward. Nikki who pressed her lips to MacKenzie’s.

MacKenzie’s eyes fell closed, and thousands of butterflies swirled in her stomach.

The impossible came true.

Cinnamon.

It wasn’t what she had expected. She had expected strawberry, or cherry, or watermelon.

MacKenzie’s lips tasted like cinnamon.

Oh.

That’s what it feels like.

MacKenzie was quickly losing her breath, but she didn’t want this to end. Lying on her bed, kissing Nikki Maxwell, she felt euphoric. Her whole body was tingling.

Then Nikki pulled away, and MacKenzie could breathe again.

She opened her eyes to find Nikki’s brown ones staring at her, wide open in shock and alarm. Her lips were lightly smudged with red. MacKenzie had seen this look before. In the mirror, when she realized that she could never love a boy.

The consequences were beginning to hit.

Nikki just kissed me. Does that mean she likes girls? Likes me? Or was it just for fun, some kind of sick game? No, she wouldn’t kiss me just for fun. So, does this mean what I think it means?

Then more thoughts cut through those ones, running too fast to keep up with.

Is Nikki’s sexuality…? I just kissed a girl. Brandon. Brandon’s her boyfriend. She just… I just… we just…

Nikki pushed herself off of MacKenzie and sat at the foot of the bed, looking ready to run.

“Oh my gosh.” She clamped her hand her mouth, then set it down again. “Oh my gosh.”

“Nikki…?” MacKenzie asked, wary, sitting up on her elbows. She was pretty sure Nikki was having a freak-out right now. “Nikki, just breathe.”

Nikki stood up abruptly, MacKenzie following suit. Her feet hit the floor.

“I think… I should call my mom to come pick me up,” Nikki whispered.

MacKenzie wanted to argue, but she quickly bit her lip. She didn’t know how to finish this sleepover after that had just happened. She didn’t know how to sleep in the same bed as Nikki and actually fall asleep.

Nikki went in the bathroom and locked the door. When she came out a minute later, any glossed color on her lips was gone. MacKenzie subconsciously touched her own with her fingers.

Nikki stared at her, then at the floor, her cheeks bright red.

“Nikki…”

Nikki didn’t say anything. MacKenzie didn’t finish her sentence.

She opted to wait for her mom in the living room.

When MacKenzie finally worked up the courage to follow Nikki out, her mom had arrived and left and Nikki was gone in the night.